00's Comedown Machine
by the ultimateSora
Summary: It's the gang's junior year of high school, and what a year it's going to be. From heated class president campaigns to town rivalries going up a notch to new friends and new enemies to relationships starting and ending and rekindling and ending again, hilarity is sure to ensue. Strong-T/Light-M for adult language and teenage hijinks.
1. total sploosh

**note: **So it would appear that this fic may end up being a look at the gang's eventful junior year. Maybe it'll go in to their senior year, I don't know yet. We'll see eventually, I suppose. As for the title, it's kind of taken from The Strokes' song "80's Comedown Machine." In my head, I'm saying the title as "Noughties Comedown Machine" because, ha, "_noughties_" and that the 2000s supposedly are called the "noughties." So, yeah, it's "Noughties Comedown Machine."

Don't own MSB.

Enjoy!

* * *

**00's comedown machine  
**by, the ultimateSora

**chapter one  
total sploosh**

_Monday, September 8, 2003  
Walkerville High School  
Walkerville, Rhode Island_

The west parking lot of Walkerville High was the unofficial "juniors' lot," so the gang parked their vehicles as close to each other as they could. All but Phoebe and Carlos, the former having not showed up yet and the latter having his driving privileges taken away when he was caught sneaking back inside the house after going to a party he wasn't supposed to (as he was grounded for sneaking out to go to _another_ party he wasn't supposed to). Keesha had her Mini's trunk door open so she and Dorothy Ann could sit down, and the guys and Wanda remained standing as they killed time before the ten-minute warning bell.

"First day of junior year!" Carlos said.

Keesha rolled her eyes. "Yes, Carlos, we are aware."

"But we're upperclassmen now! We have _power!_"

"Power to do what, exactly?" Dorothy Ann asked. "Pick on the poor freshman who are already scared? Or the jaded sophomores who don't care?"

Wanda snorted. "If we pick on anyone, how about that dork riding in on a moped?" When the person on the red and white '82 Honda Passport came closer, she sighed. "Oh, _of course_ it's our own little dork."

"'Little'?" Keesha laughed. "Your head barely comes to her shoulder."

Wanda only shot her a look. Phoebe rode past them and parked in the smaller motorcycle spaces closer to the side doors. Ralphie shook his head. "Ma tells her 'You're getting a vehicle for your birthday so you and Ralphie won't fight over who needs the car.' And what does she pick? The first piece of junk she sees at the Reynolds' garage." He looked at Tim. "Yeah, _thanks_, man."

Tim shrugged. "Hey, I only helped restore the bike. _Your_ mother bought it."

Ralphie's mother, Suzette, married Phoebe's father, Mark, in early 1997. Since then, the others took to calling Ralphie and Phoebe "the Ternelli Step-Twins," despite the two-month age difference between the two. The Ternelli house was also the designated gang hang out spot.

Ralphie shook his head. "It was bound to happen. Riding a motorbike of some kind is in her blood. Apparently, the first Mrs. T was something of a biker chick when Mr. T met her."

They all looked over at their lanky, lady friend, all but Ralphie and Arnold still in shock that the ungainly Phoebe rode a motorbike with ease. They watched for a moment as she struggled a little bit to get her helmet off, which Ralphie knew would take her a couple of tries. Her helmet was "the classic, open-faced moped style," as Tim put it. She bought two helmets from the Reynolds' garage and custom shop, and her main one Tim customized for her. It was a sparkly red with a blue stripe down the middle. On each side was a silver colored trout for House Tully, the Westeros house Phoebe put herself in. She had to explain her helmet a couple of times to the others before sighing and suggesting (for the billionth time) they just read the _A Song of Ice and Fire_ series. Her goggles Tim called "the Red Barons." They had a old aviator style to them, which Phoebe loved. They were also the least bulky of the goggles she tried, which she also loved.

Arnold took off his messenger bag so he could take his blue letter jacket off. He folded the jacket over his arm and put his messenger bag back on. "I will see you all later. I am going to go say hello to my," he started smiling big, "_girlfriend._" He and Phoebe had been together since mid-July.

"Oh, don't act like she's your first girlfriend!" Wanda snapped at him. He ignored her and walked away. Wanda shook her head. "Such a sploosh-worthy piece of ass with glorious hair, chiseled abs, and a perfect sense of style, being wasted on a bony hippie dork with a dorky little Pee-Wee Herman bike."

Carlos laughed. "Oh, my God, it does look like Pee-Wee's bike."

"Watch it," Ralphie said to Wanda. "That's my step-sister you're talking about."

"But they're such a mismatch!" Wanda argued.

Keesha held up her hand. "Not that I just _love_ talking about the Perlsteins, but personality-wise, they are perfect together. I think they're the only ones who can put up with each other's nauseating niceness."

Carlos looked over at Arnold and Phoebe, who were sharing a kiss by her Honda. "Hey, Perlstein! Are you checking her tonsils with your tongue?"

Arnold gave him the finger without breaking the kiss as Ralphie smacked him on the back of the head. Phoebe laughed against Arnold's lips, and she slowly pulled back. "Oh, Carlos is just jealous because you actually made a move on me," she said.

Arnold cocked a brow. "I know you two have that close, kind of odd, more-than-platonic-but-not-romantic relationship, but..."

She put her hand on his stomach and slid it across his oxford shirt to his hip. "I prefer my boys over six-feet in height, orange haired, and that wear glasses." Phoebe had stopped growing at five-ten, and she was happy Arnold had grown another three inches more than her, putting him at six-one. Their height difference was perfect to her, but most things about him were perfect to her. "Carlos and I just get one another on some weird level neither of us really understands, and we happen to have no physical attraction to each other. Plus, we're not only good for each other but also _terrible_ for each other."

Arnold understood what she meant. No one else could always cheer her up and bring her to her breaking point within a short time span. After all, Carlos was the reason for the whole "S.A.D.S. incident," as Phoebe never let him forget. While he would never say it to her, he likened her relationship with Carlos to his with Wanda, minus the attraction (which he no longer had to Wanda, but he knew she did to him). Phoebe was the only one Carlos really listened to, just as he was the only one Wanda really listened to.

"So you prefer Jewish gingers to short Hispanics?" he asked.

"Technically Carlos and I are the same height, but..." She winked and kissed his cheek. "Walk me to my locker?"

He handed her his letter jacket. "Only if you take this off my hands," he said. "As my girlfriend, I would hope you would like wearing it."

Phoebe set her helmet down and put her goggles in her backpack before setting it down, too. She put the jacket on. It was a little big for her, which was no surprise. "Now everyone will think I'm Arnold Perlstein."

"That's the plan."

Phoebe laughed and gave him a kiss on the cheek. She picked up her helmet, shouldered her backpack, and they walked hand-in-hand towards the doors. Phoebe took her schedule out from her pocket and looked for her locker number. The "W" next to the number indicated it was in the west wing (which was good, as most of her classes were in the west wing), and she managed to find it. Before she put in the combination, Arnold pointed to the name on the paper.

"You're not 'Peggy Thomson,'" he said.

Phoebe sighed when she noticed the name. "Dang it." She gave him a kiss on the cheek. "You better go to your locker. I'm going to the counselors office."

He nodded. "Good luck."

They shared one more kiss before he went to his locker and she to the counselors office. A tall, thin girl with light brown hair was standing at one of the two receptionists' desks when she walked in.

"I got Phoebe Terese's schedule," the girl said.

"It's actually 'Ter-_ez_,'" Phoebe said, as Peggy had pronounced it "Ter-_ees_." She held out the schedule. "I assume this is yours?"

Peggy shot her a hard look before snatching the schedule and shoving Phoebe's against her chest. "I'm going to be late now, no thanks to you."

She rushed out, and Phoebe looked at the receptionist in shock. The receptionist shook her head and scribbled a note. "Here, take this. It'll excuse you for being late."

Phoebe nodded. "Thanks. What about her?"

The receptionist winked. "She's from Eagleton."

Eagleton was the rival town that bordered Walkerville to the west. It was not a friendly rivalry either. The sign on the town border read: **NOW LEAVING WALKERVILLE Come Back Soon!** on the Walkerville side; on the Eagleton side, the sign read: **NOW ENTERING WALKERVILLE Good Luck With That**. The town founding folklore was that the wealthiest and most prominent townsfolk of Walkerville found the smell too unpleasant, so they went west and founded Eagleton. Old Walker Vale was the "old money" neighborhood of Walkerville, but even the Vale paled in comparison to the wealth and luxury Eagletonians lived in.

Phoebe took the note from her and walked out. Unfortunately, Peggy's locker was next to hers. Phoebe knew Ralphie's locker would be on her other side, as "Tennelli" came before "Terese," and their lockers had been side-by-side since sixth grade. Peggy didn't say anything as she got her books. She slammed her locker shut and hurried away. Phoebe got the books she needed, and she hung her helmet inside. After closing her locker, she walked to the science halls to her first period physics class. She smiled when she saw Ralphie at a table, and she hurried to sit next to him.

"I didn't know you had phys-" She stopped when the guy she thought was Ralphie looked at her. "Oh! I'm sorry. I thought you were my brother."

The guy put his hand on his chest. "If I wasn't dating the most brilliant and beautiful girl in New England, I'd be offended you thought I was your brother."

Phoebe looked at him, confused. He was dating Dorothy Ann? Dorothy Ann had a boyfriend _and didn't tell her?_ "Wait...I'm sorry. Who're you dating?"

"Oh, her name's Anna Beth. She lives in Eagleton."

Phoebe nodded, deciding not to let her prejudice for Eagleton show. Plus, she didn't know Anna Beth , but she did know she was _not_ the most brilliant and beautiful girl in New England. Those titles belonged to her beautiful and brilliant Knight of Flowers, her Golden Rose of Tyrell.

"Ricky Thomson," the guy said, holding out his hand for her to shake.

She shook it. "Phoebe Terese."

"Oh! I know your brother, Ralphie. I met him during football camp over the summer. I'm new here. Well, my sister and I are. Just moved from Eagleton."

Ricky was probably as tall as Ralphie, but being closer to him, Phoebe realized he wasn't as burly. Yet, he had a similar athletic build. His light brown hair was unruly, not unlike Ralphie's hair. He even had the same cheeky grin. She liked Ricky, but in a way a girl would like a guy who reminded her of her brother.

_If you're not Cersei Lannister, that is_, Phoebe laughed to herself.

"So, Phoebe, you any good at this physics stuff?"

She shrugged. "The only reason I'm here is like all the other juniors: Because I was good enough at seventh grade science so I got to skip eighth grade science."

Ricky laughed. "Yeah, glad I got to skip geology to take intro chem and physics in eighth grade."

"Don't let my boyfriend hear you say that. He loves geology."

Ricky pointed to her jacket. "Ah, yeah, I take it you're dating Arnold Perlstein?"

"Did the 'Arnold Matthew' printed on the front and 'Perlstein' on the back give it away?"

"Something like that."

By the end of class, Phoebe somehow made friends with Ricky Thomson. She wasn't sure how, as she rarely made friends outside of the gang. Lunch rolled around during fourth period, and by a stroke of pure luck, the eight had the same lunch schedule. Phoebe found her friends all sitting together, and she took the empty seat between Arnold and D.A. There was a folded paper sitting on the table in front of the seat that read in D.A.'s perfect handwriting:

PHOEBE MARGOT TERESE'S SEAT  
(SERIOUSLY, WANDA, NOT FOR YOUR ASS)

Arnold gave Phoebe a kiss on the cheek when she sat. "How did it go in the office this morning?"

"Let's just say Peggy Thomson is not a patient person."

Keesha shook her head. "Peggy Thomson is...well, how can I say this delicately?" She took a bite of her sandwich, chewed, and swallowed. "She's a bitch. I have second period with her, and everything about her just screams 'Eagleton.'"

"Her twin brother, Ricky, is quite handsome and nice, though," D.A. said.

Wanda nodded. "Total sploosh."

"Yeah," Keesha said, "gotta give him a sploosh."

Ralphie grimaced. "Ugh, that guy makes me want to puke."

Phoebe raised her brows. "Why? He struck me as a nice fellow."

"Everyone is nice to you, Pheebs," Ralphie said. "Well, _except_..."

Everyone followed his gaze to the table where some of the varsity cheerleaders were sitting, and they all knew he was looking specifically at Janet.

"Phoebe's Newman," Carlos said.

"I think she's more my Sue Ellen Mischke," Phoebe said.

Carlos nodded. "Sue Ellen Mischke with Newman's pure evilness."

Dorothy Ann shook her head. "Okay, it's kind of weird hearing my mother's name twice now."

"We're talking about _another_ tv character with your mom's name," Carlos said. "_Duh._"

D.A. rolled her eyes but decided to distract herself with the forms she needed to fill out to run for class president (again). She had been class president since the eighth grade, so she knew the drill when it came to running. The gang would be her campaign team again: Arnold would be her campaign manager, Wanda and Keesha her "Image Consultants," Ralphie and Carlos her "security," Tim would help make the campaign posters and help write her speeches, and Phoebe would be the moral support.

Phoebe let out a squeal and clapped when she saw D.A.'s papers. "Can we make campaign t-shirts again? I'll make sure to proofread them."

"Jesus Christ!" Ralphie said. "How many times I gotta say I'm sorry for that typo?"

"More like a Freudian slip," Phoebe said. "'Vote Dorothy Ann: She's the Tits!'"

"It was supposed to be '_Tops_'!"

Wanda gently elbowed D.A. "Well, she _is_ the tits. Look at how big these suckers are!"

"That's the big titted pot calling the kettle top heavy," Keesha said, laughing.

"At least I have 'em," Wanda said. "Unlike _some_ lanky, freckled flatties at this table."

Phoebe felt her face warm, and she closed Arnold's jacket tighter around her. Arnold and D.A. both shot her a look and said, "_Enough_."

Lunch ended sooner then they would have liked, and Arnold walked Phoebe back to her fourth period class, since his wasn't too far. They stopped outside of her classroom, and he took her hand. "Listen, I know the idea of this makes you nervous, but your presence has been requested by my parents."

Phoebe's stomach tightened. "Oh, no. No, no, I'm not ready to formally meet your parents. Can't we just continue with you hanging out all the time at Casa de Ternelli? Suzette loves you, and Daddy...well, Daddy's still getting used to, well, you."

"I can try to stall them some more, but my mother will find a way to meet you."

She sighed. "_Fine._ Just give me the when and where."

"This Friday evening. The Old Walker Vale Country and Yacht Club."

"_What?_ I don't have anything fancy enough to wear in a place like the Vale!"

Arnold shrugged. "I like that mint green cocktail dress you have. I have the _perfect_ oxford and cardigan pairing I can wear that'll match your dress without being _too_ matchy-matchy."

That made Phoebe smile. "Have I told you lately that I adore how fancy you are?"

Arnold took her hand and kissed her fingers. "I'm your Fancy Boy, Miss Terese. Always looking pretty and well groomed so you have the perfect arm ornament."

"My fancy, pretty, preppy nerd boy." She kissed his cheek. "Get to class before Carlos asks you any inappropriate questions as to why you're late."

"Yes, my Lady Tully."

Phoebe started walking towards the classroom door, but she stopped to say, "Remind me to bring you my copy of _A Game of Thrones_ because you _will_ read my favorite fantasy series, and you _will_ love it, my direwolf of Winterfell."

He did a fancy bow. "As you wish."

She put her hand on her forehead. "Oh, now he's quoting _The Princess Bride_. I'm going now before you make me late, despite being a foot away from the door."

* * *

Arnold sat in the breakfast nook of his quiet house as he finished his homework. The quiet could be too much as times, and part of him wished he took the Ternelli step-twins up on their offer to go home with them. His dad wouldn't be home from work until after six, and his mother would be home around five, after spending her day shopping and having drinks at the country club and meeting with her social clubs. The only light on in the kitchen and breakfast nook was the nook light above him, so he noticed the headlights right away through the window above the sink. He turned and looked out the back door's window to see Jean Perlstein's Mercedes stop in front of the closed garage door. He went back to his homework, and he heard her walk in moments later.

"Hello, son." She turned on the kitchen light, which made Arnold's eyes hurt for a moment. "Have you eaten?"

"I had some pizza rolls, two Hot Pockets, and I brought home a Wendy's salad and Frosty." He got up and took a seat on one of the island counter stools as Jean poured herself a glass of wine. "Hey, Mom, remember when you asked about meeting Phoebe?"

"Like it was yesterday."

"It was this morning." He cleared his throat. "Well, she's available Friday evening, so we can meet you and Dad for dinner at the country club."

"This is the one that's Suzette Tennelli's step-daughter, correct?"

Arnold knew Dr. Tennelli still went by "Tennelli" professionally (something about it being, in her words, "a pain in my ass" to change her name with the state of Rhode Island medical board), though she didn't mind when people called her "Mrs. Terese."

"Yeah, she's Suzette Tennelli-Terese's step-daughter."

"And she's nothing like her oaf step-brother you call a 'best friend'?"

_Aside from her intense love of baseball, football, fantasy, and sci-fi, the latter two being the reason she and Ralphie spent this past summer translating _The Fellowship of the Ring_ in to Klingon? Oh, and not to mention that time in junior high they nearly set fire to their garage when trying to make their own lightsabers, or how they both tend to turn violent during a game of _Dungeons & Dragons_. Nah, she's nothing like Ralphie_.

"She and Ralphie are just as alike as Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia."

Jean narrowed her eyes. "I don't know who that is, and I don't care to find out." She took a drink of her wine. "This is the girl Janet doesn't like, correct?"

"Janet doesn't like any of my friends."

"She likes Wanda. Say, why didn't you ever date Wanda? You used to like her so much."

He took a deep breath. "Can we not talk about that or Wanda? I have a girlfriend who I care about very much and that means a lot to me. It would mean even more to me if you and Dad gave her a chance and liked her. She's- Phoebe is the best girl I've ever dated. She's so nice and selfless and funny and smart; she's everything I'd hope parents would want in the girl their son is dating."

Jean put her hand on his cheek before gently tugging on his curls. "Oh, my sweet, naive boy, just know that I'll know if this girl is only using you for our money."

Arnold laughed. "I highly doubt it. I've known Phoebe since we were eight, and our family wealth is the only thing about me she isn't crazy about." He stopped before he blurted out, _Well, that and being related to Janet_. "You'll like her." He got up and picked up his books and papers from the table. "I'm going to finish this upstairs."

He went up to his room and dropped his stuff on his neatly made bed. He sat down on the floor, leaning back on his bed, and he took out his phone. He scrolled down his contacts until he got to "PRINCESS LEIA TULLY," and he pressed "dial."

After a couple of rings, she answered, "To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"Would it seem weird or clingy if I said I just wanted to hear your voice?"

She laughed. "Remember who you're talking to."

He smiled. "You're not weird or clingy."

"I'm odd."

"_Different_."

"Which is a nicer way of saying 'odd' and 'weird.'"

"Okay, well if you're weird, then I'm- what's another word for 'fancy nerd boy with obsessive-compulsive tendencies'?"

"Hm...eccentric?"

"Meh, I'll take it."

Phoebe was quiet for a moment before she sighed. "So, Suzette said she's going to take me shopping for a new dress for our dinner with your parents. I tried to refuse, but Suzette Tennelli-Terese doth not make it easy."

Arnold smiled. "You'll let me know what color the new dress will be?"

She laughed. "So we can match without being _too_ matchy-matchy?"

"It's like you can read my mind."

He heard a slight hiccup in the sound, and Phoebe said, "Oh, Arnold, Ricky Thomson's calling me. We're physics partners, so I know he's calling about our homework."

"Well, better than being biology partners, I suppose."

"I already have a biology partner, remember?"

He chuckled. "Miss Terese, you dirty little trout."

"Good night, my direwolf of Winterfell."

"Good night, my trout of- of, uh..."

"_Riverrun_," she whispered.

"Yeah, Riverrun."

* * *

**note:** Eagleton is taken from _Parks and Recreation_. It was the former neighboring town to Pawnee. From the _Parks_ wiki: "According to Leslie Knope, Eagleton is 'the land of rich, snobby jerks.' It has a very negative reputation among most Pawneeans, and vice versa."

_Those titles belonged to her beautiful and brilliant Knight of Flowers, her Golden Rose of Tyrell.  
If you're not Cersei Lannister, that is, Phoebe laughed to herself.  
_- _A Song of Ice and Fire_, of course. Once again, I've made Phoebe a fangirl.

_"Her twin brother, Ricky, is quite handsome, though," D.A. said.  
Wanda nodded. "Total sploosh."  
"Yeah," Keesha said, "gotta give him a sploosh."_ - Taken from _Archer_. I expect to use "sploosh" throughout the fic.

_"Phoebe's Newman," Carlos said.  
"I think she's more my Sue Ellen Mischke," Phoebe said.  
Carlos nodded. "Sue Ellen Mischke with Newman's pure evilness."_ - Phoebe and Carlos are _Seinfeld_ fans.

_"Hey, Mom, remember when you asked about meeting Phoebe?"  
"Like it was yesterday."  
"It was this morning."_ - Taken from _Arrested Development_. Thanks to quirky cricket, Mrs. Perlstein is now Lucille Bluth.

_...the latter two being the reason she and Ralphie spent this past summer translating The Fellowship of the Ring in to Klingon?_ - Reference to Comic Book Guy on _The Simpsons_.

_"I don't know who that is, and I don't care to find out."_ - Also taken from _Arrested Development_.

Stay tuned for more. As always, feel free to leave a comment :D


	2. smells like rainbows and unicorn farts

**note:** Sorry it's taken a little while to get this chapter posted. I kept editing and adding and deleting things and changing storylines around, but here we are...chapter two.

Don't own MSB.

Enjoy!

* * *

**00's comedown machine  
**by, the ultimateSora

**chapter two  
smells like rainbows and unicorn farts**

The guys arrived to the west parking lot the next morning before the girls did. The soft top of Ralphie's Jeep Wrangler was off, so Ralphie had the radio on as he, Tim, and Carlos leaned on the Jeep and Arnold looked at his phone.

"Note to self," Arnold said, typing in his phone, "take suits to tailor and dress shoes to shoemaker."

Tim crinkled his nose. "You have a shoemaker?"

Arnold looked up from his phone, his brows slightly raised. "Do you _not_?"

Carlos waved his hands. "Surprise, surprise, Perlstein does rich dick stuff. Let's get to the real shit before the ladies grace us with their wonderful selves."

Ralphie shook his head. "And what would the 'real shit' be, Carlos?"

"Babe prospects for the year!" Carlos waved off Arnold. "Perlstein's set with his steady gig boning your sister, bro." Tim grabbed Ralphie by his letter jacket to keep him in place so he wouldn't punch Carlos. "The three of us need to find us some babes to enjoy our weekends with!"

Tim held up his hand. "I thank you for thinking of other people's dicks and not just your own, but _please_...stop thinking about my dick."

"Yeah, man," Ralphie said. "It's kind of weird."

Arnold pocketed his phone and punched Carlos hard on the upper arm. "And don't ever bring Phoebe in to these conversations. Also, just to note, we haven't had sex yet."

Ralphie pointed a hard finger at him. "You better not, bro!"

"Phoebe is her own woman," Arnold said. "We both know she'll never let you or anyone dictate what she can or can't do with her own body."

Tim nodded. "He's got you there, man."

Ralphie relaxed a little. "I know that. Phoebe would kick my ass if I tried telling her what to do." His eye tingled a bit, remembering the last black eye he had. "She's done it before."

Carlos laughed. "Oh man, I love that our sweet, little, lanky Phoebe can easily beat you up."

Phoebe was five-ten and a lanky hundred and twenty-ish pounds. Ralphie was six-three (and still growing) and a burly, solid two-hundred-something pounds. One would think Ralphie could easily throw Phoebe around like a rag doll, but she'd never give him the chance to.

"Hey, if she can hold her own in a fight with me, think of the damage she'd do to you, man," Ralphie said. "She is _freakishly_ strong. Remember," he lowered his voice, "this is a girl who dragged a busigator to warmth _on her own_ and easily moved in high gravity."

The guys nodded, remembering third grade. They had also all been witnesses at one point or another to a violent Ternelli fight. The fights usually started over something small or stupid, such as who was going to drink the last Hi-C or have the last Mallowblaster, but they always ended with both Ternellis bruised and bleeding, either from fists or heads being slammed against the wall or floor or banister. Once in junior high, the gang was witness to a fight that sent both Ralphie and Phoebe down the stairs. Ralphie cracked his wrist and dislocated his shoulder, and Phoebe broke her arm and nose, which was now a little crooked.

"Speak of that freckled little devil," Ralphie said.

The guys turned to see Phoebe on her Honda riding in behind Keesha's Mini. Dorothy Ann's Volkswagen Golf wasn't far behind, nor was Wanda's BMW 325i. If not for the fact Wanda's father owned "the third largest auto complex in all of Southern New England!" (as his commercials said), she probably would not be the owner of a BMW. Randy Li's car dealerships didn't sell new BMWs, but he had a few used ones on his lots, one those becoming Wanda's sixteenth birthday present that past April.

Ralphie's Jeep was parked between Arnold's Porsche 911 (a sixteenth birthday present from one set of his wealthy grandparents) and Tim's Volkswagen Jetta (which was in the process of customization, his father's auto garage and custom shop being Tim's means of working on his car) along the curb of the sidewalk, so the girls, sans Phoebe, parked in the three free spots across from the boys. Phoebe parked in a motorcycle space, and after taking off her helmet and goggles, she joined the other's at Ralphie's vehicle.

"Hey, Pheebs," Keesha said, "think you can introduce me to Ricky Thomson? Or get me his number?"

Phoebe shook her head. "Bad news, Keesha: He has a girlfriend."

"Who?"

Phoebe pursed her lips slightly before she said, "Some girl in Eagleton named Anna Beth, who he claimed to be 'the most beautiful and brilliant girl in New England,' which is a lie because," she reached out and took D.A.'s hand, "we all know that Dorothy Ann is the most beautiful and brilliant girl in all of New England- no! The _universe_."

D.A. smiled. "Aw! Thanks, Phoebe."

Arnold nodded. "Yep, D.A. and Tom Brady: The two people Phoebe would instantly drop me for."

"My Golden Rose of Tyrell and I could never be, sadly," Phoebe said. "And Tom Brady...he's too much of a god. He'd never give me a second glance."

Arnold smiled at the others. "Hear that? _I'm_ Phoebe's third best option!"

D.A. smirked. "I'm still number one."

* * *

Dorothy Ann and Arnold went to the school's art studio when classes let out at the end of the day to meet with Tim. He had a few campaign t-shirt design ideas, and D.A. wanted her campaign manager to see them, too. They found Tim at one of the heavily paint stained tables in the art studio, still drawing in his sketchbook.

"We're here," D.A. said to Tim.

"Excellent." He took out a folder from his backpack, and he opened it. "These are the shirt ideas. I drew them out and scanned them on to the computer. Did some cleaning and coloring in Photoshop."

D.A. and Arnold looked through them, and she stopped at her instant favorite. He had drawn Dorothy Ann in the style of a comic book superhero. She was dressed as Supergirl, her fists on her hips. Above SuperDorothyAnn, it read:

DOROTHY ANN EWING  
FOR JUNIOR CLASS PRESIDENT

And below:

TRUTH, JUSTICE, AND THE WALKERVILLE HIGH WAY!  
WILDCATS OF '05

"This one," D.A. said. "I want this one."

Tim nodded. "Great. My mom is friends with the lady that owns the t-shirt printing shop. She can get us a good deal."

"If you can do that, that would be _excellent_," D.A. said. "Don't worry about the posters, by the way. Wanda and Keesha are going to paint some for me. As my image consultants, they assured me they would make good posters. I trust Keesha enough to have said 'yes.'"

Arnold patted her shoulder. "Don't worry, I'll look the posters over before they hang them up." He looked at his Rolex. "Okay, well, I have swim practice soon, so I'll see you guys later."

Tim and D.A. said bye to him, and D.A. put her hand on Tim's arm. "Thank you so much for the designs and getting the shirts. I appreciate it, and now, I have to get to tennis practice."

"Any time, D.A. Yeah, I got an art project to work on. Later. Oh! Hang on." D.A. stopped and turned to face him. "Did you hear Janet's running?"

"_Janet?_"

Tim nodded. "Might need to play a little dirty this year. Janet is a mean person."

"Come on, Tim. You can do better than that."

"She's a grade-a bitch."

D.A. nodded. "There we go. Does she have any weaknesses?" Janet and Tim had _briefly_ dated sophomore year.

Tim furrowed his brow and shook his head. "No."

"What do you mean 'no'? Everybody has a weakness."

"Not machines." He sighed. "I honestly believe that Janet was programmed by someone from the future to come back and destroy all happiness."

Dorothy Ann often wondered how such a genuine guy like Tim ever got involved with the likes of Janet Perlstein, but she knew Janet was manipulative enough to get what she wanted, and at the time, she wanted Tim. Poor guy didn't stand a chance. D.A. often heard Ralphie and Carlos say they found Janet hot, but at the same time, they were too scared of her to ever try anything. How Tim managed to get away from her was beyond anyone, but then again, he was a stronger guy than was assumed.

After all, Tim was the one who dumped Janet.

* * *

VOTE JANET PERLSTEIN FOR JUNIOR CLASS PRESIDENT  
RICH - PRETTY - THIN  
(DOROTHY ANN EWING'S NOT EVEN THAT HOT)

Dorothy Ann and Keesha looked up at Janet's poster early the next morning. The ten minute warning bell wouldn't ring for another forty-five minutes, but the halls weren't empty, as kids were putting up their campaign posters. Janet's was one of the larger ones, hung above the lockers in the main hall of the west wing. It was in the neat, pretty style of the cheerleaders' posters made for football games, declaring for the Wildcats to "BURY THE BEARS!" or "PUT DOWN THE PANTHERS!" or "ELIMINATE EAGLETON!" (the last one wasn't really for team spirit).

"Worry not," Keesha said. "Wanda's making a last minute addition to the poster we planned to hang here by Janet's."

A few moments later, Wanda joined them with the new poster. D.A. read over it and gave her approval. One of the male teachers had to hang it up, since a ladder was used, and after it was hung, the three girls stood back and looked at the poster with pride.

DOROTHY ANN EWING  
FOR JUNIOR CLASS PRESIDENT  
(I WON'T LEAVE FOR TWO MONTHS AND COME  
BACK WITH A NEW NOSE LIKE JANET DID)

* * *

"You fake-tanned _bitch!_"

The gang looked away from their lunches and conversation when they heard the familiar tones of Janet Perlstein's voice coming towards their table. Dorothy Ann held her hand up to the others, signaling for them to wait before responding, just to see what else Janet would say. Instead of continuing her yelling at D.A., she turned to Tim and held herself higher.

"Well, it's good to see you, Tim," she said.

Tim nodded. "You've aged horribly in the last year."

She arched her brows. "You _son of a bitch_."

Tim sighed and set his sandwich down. "That didn't take long."

It was then Janet seemed to remember who she was at the table to see. She turned to D.A., fighting the temptation to yell at Tim, too. "I do _not_ have a new nose!"

Arnold laughed. "Yes, you do! We once shared the distinct Rosen family nose, but now," he put his finger on his nose, "I'm the only one of us two to have it."

"Shut up, _Arnold!_" she snapped. She turned her attention to D.A. "Change the poster!"

"Change yours," D.A. said.

"Like hell I will."

D.A. crossed her arms. "Then I won't change mine."

Keesha waved her off. "Off you go, Janet."

"Yeah, you're stinking up our space with your cheap ass knock-off perfume," Wanda said.

"I do _not_ wear knock-off perfumes! I'll have you know I am wearing Dolce and Gabbana!"

Arnold shook his head. "Again, no. Aunt Gayle cut your allowance in half and revoked access to your trust fund. Remember?"

Janet's mother, Gayle, was Jean Perlstein's identical twin sister. Despite being physically identical, the two were nearly opposite in personality. Jean and Janet were more like mother and child, with their love of looking down on those they deemed "beneath" them, while Arnold was more like Gayle, who was a nurse because she wanted to do all she could to help others. Arnold and Janet's fathers were brothers, Arnold's father, Stephen, being the younger. Even though the Perlstein brothers weren't twins, their personalities were more similar to each other, though the elder brother, Everett, had no problem spoiling Janet while Stephen wanted Arnold to learn the value of hard work.

"I said, _shut up, Arnold!_"

He waved his hand by his neck, as to fan the scent of his cologne towards her. "This is a real designer cologne because I'm a good boy who listens to his parents and doesn't splurge his money, opting for a nice thing every so often."

Janet's face went red, but the look in her icy blue eyes showed it was in anger, not embarrassment. "Well, at least _I'm_ not slumming it with some skinny closeted lesbian who smells like moth balls and dirt!"

That sent Carlos to his feet. "_Hey!_ Phoebe Terese smells like rainbows and unicorn farts...which smell like strawberries and honey! Don't talk shit about Phoebe!"

Keesha nodded. "And she's not gay; she just has big hands."

Janet backed away, her face still red in anger, and she waved her hands over them. "All of you..._assholes_." She flashed them her middle fingers before turning on her heel and walking away.

Keesha looked at Carlos as he sat down. "Unicorn farts?"

He shrugged. "Just popped in my head."

They all turned when they heard an unfamiliar voice say, "Hey, Phoebe." Ricky Thomson walked over to their table, folder in hand. "Do you happen to have that in-class worksheet we worked on. I wanted to compare notes again."

She nodded. "Yep. Hang on. I'll get it." She reached for her backpack and opened it, taking her physics folder out.

Carlos nodded to Ricky. "'Sup, Eagleton."

Ricky gave him a little wave as he sat down on the seat behind Phoebe. She turned and handed him the sheet. "Like I said this morning, I wouldn't trust my answers."

He smiled. "We had a lot of the right ideas."

Arnold cleared his throat quite loudly as he turned around. Phoebe took his hand. "Oh! Ricky, this is my boyfriend, Arnold."

Ricky smiled at him for a quick moment before looking back at the worksheets. "Hey, man. Heard a lot about you from my lab partner here."

"All good, I hope."

Ricky chuckled. "From the way she talks, I'd swear you were a dinosaur fighting Superman."

Arnold winked at Phoebe. "Something like that."

Ricky finished reading over the sheet, and he handed Phoebe hers. "Look, my and my sister's birthday is this weekend, and we're having a party. I'd love for you and your friends to come. Peggy and I are still trying to make friends here, so having some Walkerville kids there with my Eagleton friends would be great."

Phoebe nodded. "I know I'm available, and I'm betting these guys are, too."

Keesha raised her hand. "_I'm_ available, Ricky." She winked at him.

Wanda also winked. "I'm _more_ available."

"He knows. I'm sure he's read the boys' room wall by now," Tim said.

Keesha laughed. "_Burn!_" She and Tim high-fived.

Ricky smiled at Phoebe. "Your friends remind me of my old gang." He got up. "Next Saturday. I'll give you more details later."

Once he was out of earshot, Ralphie said, "Ugh, he's such a fake _douche_."

Arnold and Phoebe turned back around to face the rest of the gang. Phoebe rolled her eyes. "He's sincerely nice, Ralphie. Give him a chance."

He shook his head. "I've known him since the summer. He likes playing the 'Nice Guy Act' just so he can get what he wants from people. He doesn't give a shit!"

"And _what_ could he want from me?" Phoebe asked. "Obviously not my body-" Wanda snorted until Dorothy Ann hit her arm. "-considering I'm in a happy relationship. Obviously not my brain, as he's way better in physics than me."

"He wants _me!_" Ralphie said.

"_Phrasing!_" Carlos and Tim said, laughing.

Ralphie ignored them. "He wants you to drop some dirt on me because he's pissed I'm a starting running back on varsity, and he's second string Q.B. He wants to take me down a notch."

"You are paranoid," Phoebe said.

"I am _not_, face ass."

Phoebe sighed, used to him calling her "face ass" because of her cleft chin, so she chose to ignore that. She took a bite of her strawberry and soy nut butter sandwich. "You're going to that party with me and Arnold, by the way."

Arnold put his arm around her shoulders. "I go where she goes, and we both know you go where I go, Ralphie." He held his other hand out to him. "I jump, you jump, remember? Promise me now, Ralphie, that you'll go to that party, and never let go of that promise."

Ralphie pretended to hold back tears as he took Arnold's hand. He made his voice high and cracked as he pretended not to sob, "I promise."

Arnold gave his hand a squeeze. "Never let go."

Ralphie closed his eyes and nodded. "I'll never let go, Arnold. _I'll never let go_."

Keesha shot a look to Phoebe. "Goddammit, you let them watch _Titanic_ again, didn't you?"

Phoebe shrugged. "I can't stop them when they find _Titanic_ on TV."

Carlos took a bite of his pickle spear and used it to point as he said, "When you think about it, Pheebolino is Jack, Fancy Boy is Rose, Ralphie's the Italian guy that was Jack's buddy, Mrs. P is totally Rose's mom, and Wanda is-"

Wanda grabbed his pickle spear and threw it at him. "If you say I'm the Cal, I will hit you with my pump."

Tim looked at D.A. "What's a 'pump'?"

"Her shoe," D.A. said.

Tim nodded, now knowing what kind of high-heel Wanda's shoes were. Carlos pouted some at his wasted pickle spear, and Phoebe gave him her unopened Sweetums NutriYum bar. He smiled and didn't waste any time opening it and eating it.

Arnold shook his head. "How can you still eat those things?" he asked.

"You still eat Mallowblasters," Phoebe pointed out.

"Yeah, but NutriYum bars have _way_ more sugar and corn syrup than Mallowblasters do."

"Dude, shut up," Carlos said, mouth full of NutriYum bar. "They taste good, all right?"

Tim nodded. "Yeah, man. The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to six-hundred pounds, and die of a heart attack in your forties, you can! You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful."

Arnold held his hands out to him. "Our resident libertarian in a Led Zeppelin t-shirt, everyone."

Tim grinned. "Shut up, Ronald Reagan."

Arnold nodded and held up a finger. "I take that as a compliment, so thank you."

Phoebe kissed his cheek. "My lovely conservative yuppie boyfriend."

He returned the kiss on her cheek. "And my wonderful liberal hippie girlfriend."

Keesha laughed. "Anyone else smell a 1980s sitcom? Reaganite preppy dates a liberal flower child? Anyone?"

Carlos pretended to wipe a tear from his eye. "I think it's beautiful."

Phoebe held up her hands. "Mondale in eighty-four!"

Arnold laughed. "Yeah, if you want this country handed over to the Soviets."

Carlos scoffed. "What, man? How's a made up dude going to give us to a made up country?"

Phoebe reached across the table and patted his arm. "This is why you need me to help you in history."

* * *

**note:** _..."take suits to tailor and shoes to shoemaker."_  
_[...]"You have a shoemaker?"  
[...]"Do you not?"_ - Taken from _Archer_.

_"...Janet is a mean person."_  
_..._  
_"I honestly believe that Janet was programmed by someone from the future to come back and destroy all happiness."_ - From _Parks and Recreation._ Thanks to quirky cricket, not only is Tim Ron Swanson but Janet is Ron's ex-wife Tammy "Tammy Two" Swanson.

_"Well, it's good to see you, Tim,"[...]  
[...]"You've aged horribly in the last year."  
[...]"You son of a bitch."  
[...]"That didn't take long."_ - More _Parks and Recreation._ More Tim-and-Janet as Ron-and-Tammy.

_Keesha nodded. "And she's not gay; she just has big hands."_ - More _Archer_.

_Keesha laughed. "Burn!"_ - From _That 70's Show_.

_"Phrasing!" Carlos and Tim said, laughing._ - Also _Archer_.

_Tim nodded. "Yeah, man. The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to six-hundred pounds, and die of a heart attack in your forties, you can! You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful."_ - Again, _Parks and Recreation_. Again, Tim as Ron Swanson.

_Phoebe held up her hands. "Mondale in eighty-four!"  
Arnold laughed. "Yeah, if you want this country handed over to the Soviets."_ - Kind of taken from the _American Dad!_ episode "The Best Christmas Story Never Told" in which the Ghost of Christmas Past sends Stan to 1970. While there, he happens to get Martin Scorsese off drugs. In doing so, Scorsese never makes _Taxi Driver_, John Hinckley, Jr. never sees Jodie Foster in the film and never becomes obsessed with her thus never tries to assassinate Ronald Reagan. Not having that near-death experience making him look stronger hurt Reagan's popularity in 1984, so he lost to Walter Mondale, who surrenders the U.S. to the Soviet Union only 47 days in to his presidency.

Also from _Parks and Recreation_ is the Sweetums NutriYum bar. I'll probably bring up Sweetums again later on seeing as Walkerville is basically Pawnee in this story (except in Rhode Island as opposed to Indiana).

Janet and Dorothy Ann's posters are from the _Arrested Development_ episode "Red Hairing," in which we see Lindsay Bluth and Sally Sitwell's class president posters from 1982.

Carlos calling Phoebe "Pheebolino" is straight up from "All Dried Up."

Stay tuned for chapter three, as more hijinks shall ensue. As per usual, comments and reviews are always welcome.


	3. wade boggs on her head

**note:** Sorry for the wait, to those reading this. Here's chapter three.

Don't own MSB.

Enjoy!

* * *

**00's comedown machine  
**by, the ultimateSora

**chapter three  
wade boggs on her head**

Arnold parked in the street in front of the Ternelli house that early evening, but he opted to use the side door that went in the kitchen, knowing Ralphie and Phoebe would be in the breakfast nook or the living room. The garage door was open, Suzette Tennelli-Terese's Lexus SUV parked next to Ralphie's Jeep Wrangler. There was just enough room between the Jeep and the wall for Phoebe's Honda. Despite the long driveway, the open garage told him Suzette was about to leave for a hospital shift, so he was glad he didn't park in the driveway.

He walked in the house just as Suzette, clad in her white lab coat over her pant suit, was putting a meatloaf in the oven. Ralphie and Phoebe were sitting at the round breakfast table, but instead of doing homework, they were playing a card game. Several plastic deck boxes were stacked by them, and Arnold realized they weren't speaking English. He had no idea what they were speaking, but he figured it was either from _Star Trek_ or _Lord of the Rings_ or something fictional.

Suzette smiled when she saw him. "Oh, Arnold, I'm glad you're here. Maybe those two will speak English." She shook her head. "It's like they're speaking a twin language without being twins."

"Well, to quote Ralphie, Phoebe is his 'sister from another mister,' and he's her 'brother from another mother.'"

She nodded. "Sadly, their shared love for all things sci-fi and fantasy hasn't kept my carpets from getting bloodstained or my walls from being dented by someone's head getting slammed in to it."

Phoebe noticed then that Arnold had walked in. Still speaking in one of the Elvish languages of Middle Earth she and Ralphie knew, she said, "_I can't tell him_."

"_About what?_" Ralphie asked.

"_I can't meet his parents. Not yet, anyway. My anxiety gets worse when I think about it_."

"_You want me to tell him? 'Cause I can tell him_."

"_Just leave out the details about my vomiting, all right?_"

Ralphie grinned. "_So 'yes' to the bouts of explosive shits?_"

"No!" she snapped in English.

"Ah, a word I understand!" Suzette said. "Now that my little hobbits aren't distracted, I can tell you that A: The meatloaf is in the oven, and there is baked fish for you, Phoebe. B: I'm now going to leave for my hospital shift, and your father will be home soon, and C: Arnold is here."

Ralphie scoffed. "Uh, Ma, we were clearly speaking Elvish, and we're way too tall to be hobbits."

Phoebe cleared her throat. "_But_ we do both have huge feet and eat seven meals a day."

"Well, yeah, if we're going by the movie trilogy."

Suzette sighed. "My children are nerds, Arnold. Mark and I have raised two very big nerds that eat us out of house and home."

Arnold grinned. "Yeah, but we still like 'em, right?"

"I suppose. Two more years, and they'll be the state's problem."

Ralphie rolled his eyes. "Love you, too, Ma. And Pheebs does most of the eating."

She went over to him and kissed his head. "You know I love ya, Hulk." She went to Phoebe and kissed her head. "And I love you, too, Favorite Child."

Phoebe stuck her tongue out at Ralphie. "A title I will always hold."

With that, Suzette walked to the door, grabbing her purse and keys before walking out. Arnold joined Ralphie and Phoebe at the table. "What're you guys playing?"

Ralphie and Phoebe exchanged a look Arnold was all too familiar with, and Ralphie scoffed. "Uh, bro, this is Magic: The Gathering_._"

"Deal me in?"

They exchanged _that_ look again. "Bro, if you really want to play with us, catch us on a day when we have like _all_ day to teach you."

Phoebe reached across the table and took Arnold's hand. "I'll teach you some time, along with teaching you how to play The Settlers of Catan and Dungeons & Dragons because Ralphie and I could always use more people to play with."

Ralphie laughed. "Yeah, D&D can get boring with just two people."

"And when I finally get my hands on the _A Game of Thrones_ game, we'll play that, too," Phoebe said.

Ralphie sighed. "One of these days we're going to finish..." He cocked a brow and lowered his voice. "_Project cone_."

"'Project cone'?" Arnold asked.

"Later, when we've worked out the details," Phoebe said.

Ralphie started putting away his cards, Phoebe following suit. They each had five small cases, all in different colors and all filled with cards. "How many of these cards do you guys have?" Arnold asked.

Ralphie and Phoebe glanced at one another before Phoebe said, "Between us both or separately? Because the answer is 'hundreds' for both. These aren't even all of our cards. Ralphie has his big case, and I have mine."

Arnold chuckled. "I swear, I learn more about you Ternellis every day."

Ralphie patted him hard on the back. "Aw, c'mon, bro, you've known me since preschool. There ain't much we don't know about each other."

Phoebe got up. "I'm going to go put my cards away." In Elvish, she said, "_Please say something to him?_"

Ralphie waved her off. "_I got this._"

Phoebe's face reddened. "Be right back."

She disappeared around the corner to the hall, and they heard her on the stairs. "Right, yeah," Ralphie said, "Pheebs is having second thoughts about dinner with your parents, and I offered to tell you because we both know she's got issues with anxiety, so I wanted to save her from sweating and stammering and feeling violently ill. She says anytime she thinks about it, she gets sick, which is true. I've heard her."

Arnold knew she had issues with anxiety, but he didn't know it was that bad. "I'll talk to her, let her know we can do this when _she_ is ready."

Ralphie patted his shoulder. "Thanks, bro. Now, let's change the subject because I kind of really hate being the mediator in your relationship."

Arnold nodded. "All right, how about you and me, the Playstation 2, and _Gran Turismo_?"

"That's more like it, man!"

They got up, Ralphie taking his card cases, and they walked to the stairs. Arnold grinned as they passed the portrait of the pope on the wall in the hallway, as just above it was a portrait of Jon Bon Jovi (Suzette had been a fan since 1984). The wall along the stairs was devoted to family photos, Arnold smiling again at the two large, framed baby portraits that took up most of the photo space. Baby-Ralphie was smiling big while baby-Phoebe looked shocked, which seemed right. Her outfit was Red Sox related, as was pretty much everything she wore in her baby photos was (she told him that because it was Fenway Park's 75th anniversary, her mother went all out on Red Sox apparel for her). Arnold's favorite photo of Phoebe as a baby was the one of her sitting in her high chair with a Burger King Red Sox cup featuring Wade Boggs on her head.

While Ralphie went to his room to put his cards away, Arnold went to Phoebe's room. Their rooms were on opposite ends of the hallway, the guest bedroom and bathroom in between. Ralphie had a small yellow banner with a black stag sewn on it hanging on his door, something Arnold knew Phoebe had made (and was related to those fantasy books she loved). She had a similar banner on her door, but hers was half red and half blue with a silver colored fish sewn on. She also had a red wooden "P" hanging above it and a faded Red Sox sticker above that. Her door was open, but since she was sitting on her bed with her face in her hands, he knocked. She looked up when she heard him, and she hurried to her feet.

"Hey," she said.

"Ralphie told me. I'll make up some excuse on my part to my parents, no worries."

She nodded but looked more like she'd be sick than happy. "I'm sorry."

He smiled and went over to her. He put his hands on her upper arms, gently running them up and down. "Don't be. I'd rather you be happy and well than sick over something I did."

She moved her eyes up to look at him, and she let out a nervous laugh. "How do you stand being with an emotional mess like me?"

He winked. "I could ask how you stand being with a neurotic that has obsessive-compulsive tendencies."

She wrapped her arms around his torso and rested her cheek against him as she held him tight. Feeling his arms squeeze her back made her feel slightly better. "Is it weird to say that I like how your body feels against me, in a mostly non-sexual way? Holding you and cuddling with you relaxes me."

"Nah, it's not weird. I understand what you mean. It's like how I like it when you're the 'big spoon.'"

She squeezed him a little more. "I like being the 'big spoon.'" She pressed her nose against his neck and took a deep breath. "You smell so good. Your smell relaxes me, too. That..._that_ was weird wasn't it?"

When she leaned her head back, he moved his hands to cup her rounded cheeks. "Phoebe, you're weird, and I _adore_ you...weirdness and all." He kissed the tip of her slightly crooked nose. "How about on Friday night, I take you out to dinner. We'll wear jeans and t-shirts and eat at Paunch Burger."

She closed her eyes and smiled. "Oh, Mr. Perlstein, a boy after my own heart."

He brushed her hair back with his fingers before moving his hands down to her hips. "I swear it: I will wear jeans and a t-shirt. Can't guarantee my shoes won't be designer or not-preppy."

She kissed his cheek. "Well, I can't expect you to _completely_ slum it with me."

Arnold noticed the books on the floor beside her bed, and he nodded to them. "Say, when are you going to have me read your favorite fantasy series?"

Phoebe let go of him and picked up _A Game of Thrones_. Before she handed it to him, she took a deep breath and held the book with both hands. "Are you emotionally ready for the roller coaster you are about to embark on?" Before he could respond, she went on, "I mean it. This series will rattle you. You will feel shattered after some scenes, and it doesn't get easier. _But it's so damn good_."

He smiled and held his hands out. "I'm ready."

She nodded and handed him the book. "When you finish, _A Clash of Kings_ will be here, waiting for you."

"Bro!" they heard Ralphie call from the upstairs den. "You, me, _Gran Turismo_, now!"

Phoebe sighed. "You can't date one Ternelli without dating the other."

He kissed her and took her hand in his as they walked out of her room. "I knew what I was getting in to when I first asked you out."

* * *

Ricky Thomson dropped an envelope on Phoebe's notes before he sat down beside her. She opened it and took out the invite:

PEGGY & RICKY'S 17TH BIRTHDAY BLOWOUT!  
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 13, 2003. 8PM TO 12AM  
1465 PINE HILLS RD., WALKERVILLE  
GIFTS ARE OPTIONAL  
FOOD AND DRINK IS ALL TAKEN CARE OF!

"So is the thirteenth your actual birthday?" Phoebe asked.

"Yep. So you and your friends can come?"

She nodded and smiled. "Absolutely. I might have to _really_ convince some of them, because you're from Eagleton and all, but Carlos will do anything I ask of him, and Wanda never turns down a party. Arnold and Dorothy Ann will go only if I do, y'know 'cause I'm dating one and the other's my best friend. So basically I will have to _really_ convince Tim, Ralphie, and Keesha."

Ricky took out his notebook and physics text book. "Your brother really doesn't like me, does he?"

Phoebe knew Ralphie wouldn't want her to tell Ricky _why_ he hated him, so she refrained from the whole truth. "He's...not very trusting of new people."

"Ah, gotta prove my worth? That sort of thing?"

"Something like that." She laughed. "It's funny to me because you remind me a lot of him. Even kind of look a like. I don't suppose you love _Star Wars_, _Star Trek_, and all things Tolkien, do you?"

He shrugged. "_Star Wars_ was good. Can't comment on _Star Trek_, and I saw the first _Lord of the Rings_ movie."

She nodded. "Ah, yeah, not _exactly_ like him. We knew each other before our parents got married, but becoming step-siblings was still hard to adjust to. If it wasn't for our shared love of fantasy and sci-fi, we probably wouldn't have bonded as fast."

Ricky laughed. "It's funny...you two are step-siblings but are more like twins than me and my own twin sister. Peggy and I don't have much in common, aside from our last name and birthday."

"If it's any consolation, my boyfriend and his cousin are practically twins, and they are _nothing_ alike, aside from their last name and hair color and eye color."

"Janet Perlstein is Arnold's cousin?" he asked. "I thought they were siblings, though yeah, you're right: They are nothing alike. My sister almost quit cheerleading because she couldn't stand being around Janet, but after she realized her presence was more annoying to Janet, she stayed."

Phoebe swallowed hard. "I know Janet seems scary, but really, she's just a manipulative, psychotic, sex crazed She-Demon."

Ricky started to laugh but stopped when he realized Phoebe wasn't.

* * *

The guys stared at the hair growing in a horseshoe shape around Tim's chin and upper lip. It was thick enough that it was clearly a mustache in the making. They were sitting out on the grassy area by the parking lot as they waited for the girls after school.

"How did you grow it so fast?" Ralphie asked.

"Genetics, man," Tim said. He ran his fingers over his new facial hair. "Isn't it _awesome?_"

Arnold grinned. "I think Carlos is pissed he can't grow one. Look at how pouty he is."

Carlos had been pouting, and he continued to do so. "It's not fair! _I_ should have the best beard!"

Tim shook his head. "That's racist, man."

Carlos opened his mouth to respond, but he stopped and sighed. "I had something for this."

He was relieved when the girls showed up then, Wanda running to Tim and nearly sitting on top of him. "Excellent news, Timmy-Boy!" she said. "I found a new and better _supplier_ of _certain goods _for us."

"Pot, guys," Keesha said. "She's talking about pot. I've cracked the Wanda-code."

"I think _everyone_ has cracked that code," Ralphie said.

Arnold put his arm around Phoebe when he felt her press herself against him. "You okay?"

She nodded, her face pressed against the soft fabric of his collared shirt. "Just tired, as usual."

He kissed the top of her head. "It's Thursday. Tomorrow's date night, so that's something to look forward to."

Wanda grimaced. "_Ugh_, do you two have be all gross right now? No one needs to see that."

Keesha smirked at her. "Seeing that has got to be a real knee to the old emotional nut sack, huh?"

Wanda's eyes widened, and she bared her teeth. "_Shut up_, Keesha!"

Arnold decided to steer Phoebe away from any argument that might erupt between Wanda and Keesha, and he led her to the Porsche. "I bought myself something," he said.

Phoebe laughed. "You buy yourself things all the time."

"True, but this is something I got because of you." He opened the trunk and took out a white open-faced helmet. On each side of it was a gray direwolf. "Tim designed it for me. What do you think?"

Phoebe's jaw dropped slightly. "My direwolf of Winterfell has his own moped helmet?"

"Now we can look even more cute on your bike...Tully and Stark. The Blackfish and her Young Wolf."

Phoebe felt her chest tighten, and she didn't care who saw when she grabbed him and pulled him against her so she could press her lips on his. He dropped the helmet in his trunk and returned the hold and kiss. Phoebe wanted to blurt out that she loved him, but she didn't want to rush those three little words. At the same time, he not only remembered details about her favorite books she attributed to them, he got a House Stark-themed helmet for himself to match her Tully one. He showed her that he listened when she'd ramble about the things she loved (as he obviously had it made before he started _A Game of Thrones_), and he showed he really, truly wanted to be with her. But she decided long ago that if they ever got to the "love" point, she would wait for _him_ to say it first.

When their lips parted, he smiled and said, "So I done good?"

She nodded. "You done good."

He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against hers. "I adore you, Lady Phoebe the Blackfish. What say I leave this junky thing I call a car here and we hop on the Honda and go to your house, finish our homework, and lay on the upstairs couch while we watch _The Empire Strikes Back_."

"You really trust leaving the Porsche here, all alone, in a high school parking lot?"

He winked at her. "It's not like I paid for it."

* * *

**note:** _Phoebe swallowed hard. "__I know Janet seems scary, but really, she's just a manipulative, psychotic, sex crazed She-Demon."_ - From _Parks and Recreation_.

_"I had something for this."_ - From _Archer_.

_Keesha smirked at her. "Seeing __that has got to be a real knee to the old emotional nut sack, huh?"_- Also _Archer_.

Comments are always welcome. Stay tuned for four!


	4. stark and tully

**note:** Again, I apologize for the wait, those of y'all reading this. Here is four. There is some..._saltier_ language in this chapter. Nothing major, just a drop of the f-bomb, but if you've read my fics before then it should be expected, haha.

Don't own MSB.

Enjoy!

* * *

**00's comedown machine  
**by, the ultimateSora

**chapter four  
stark and tully**

The gang had lunch outside the following day, Friday, as the cafeteria had to be washed out and disinfected. Poopy, the raccoon who somehow found his way in to the cafeteria to poop everywhere, struck again, so the cafeteria was closed off until further notice. It was unknown if Poopy was always the same raccoon, but it was known he was a raccoon, thanks to the security cameras. The gang sat under the saplings on the grassy area by the parking lot, Tim's Jetta's windows down so they could hear the music he turned on. Arnold was sitting back against one of the saplings, Phoebe leaning back against him. They were whispering to each other and laughing until Keesha threw pieces of food at them.

"Stop being coupley!" she said. "We all agreed that if you two were going settle for each other you wouldn't gross the rest of us out."

Arnold squeezed Phoebe against him, making her giggle when he touched her ticklish sides. "But how could you not want to act coupley with this lovely girl?" He kissed her temple. "I mean just look at her adorable self."

"We're not all Dorothy Ann," Tim said.

"The Others take all of you!" Arnold said.

Phoebe's jaw dropped, but her eyes were wide and bright. "You're quoting _A Song of Ice and Fire_!"

Carlos let out a "_woo!_" before saying, "Perlstein's gonna get lucky tonight!"

Wanda threw down her sandwich and got to her feet, storming away. Phoebe moved out of Arnold's hold, her happiness over his quoting her favorite books visibly gone. "Go talk to her."

Arnold raised his brows. "What?"

"You're the only one she'll listen to." She nodded towards Wanda. "_Go_."

Arnold reluctantly got up and went after her. Keesha shook her head. "My God, you really _are_ a good person. What's it like not having smelly farts?"

Phoebe cracked a small grin. "Love you, too, Keesha."

Closer to the side doors, Arnold caught up to Wanda, who was pacing around with clenched fists. He approached her carefully and slowly, not sure how she'd react. He may have been almost a foot taller than her and about fifty-five pounds heavier, but if given the chance, he knew Wanda could easily kick his ass.

"You okay?" he asked.

"_Look at me!_" she snapped. "How hot am I now? Let me answer that for you: _As balls!_" She huffed for a moment before going on, "What the hell does _she_ have that _I_ don't?"

Arnold knew better than to answer that. "Wanda, you're one of my oldest friends, and you know I love you dearly...just not in the way you want."

"You wanted me at one point, you know."

He nodded. "I did, but come on, let's face it: You would _hate_ me after one date."

She crossed her arms. "No, I wouldn't. I know what a goody-good, nice guy you are. I can overlook that because you dress _so_ good and smell heavenly and have such a rockin' bod."

He could have confronted the fact she was only seeing his looks and style, but this was Wanda. Instead, he turned the conversation _against_ himself. "You would get so bored with me if I were your boyfriend, trust me. You've dated way more interesting guys than me, and what happened? You got bored with them. You would _hate_ how polite I get, my tendency to pronounce French on menus correctly, and my obsessive-compulsive tendencies. Seriously, I'm a neurotic mess. Just ask Ralphie."

He noticed her eyes darting around as she pieced things together in her mind. "So...like, why then does Terese like being with you? If you're so boring?"

Arnold hated what he was going to say, but the only way to please Wanda was to insult Phoebe. "She's boring, too, remember? Two negatives make a positive. With you and me? You're a positive; I'm a negative. A positive and a negative make a negative."

She flared her nostrils. "Well, how about we get physical, just to see if we're really not good together."

That's where he drew the line. "No."

Wanda stepped closer to him. "Just a make out. Maybe some hand action. That's all."

"_No._"

She continued to move closer to him. "But we're two hot bodies! Even if our personalities suck together, doesn't mean our bodies weren't made for each other!"

Before she could grab him, Phoebe came up behind her and lifted her up. "All right, you're done now, Wanda." Arnold knew Phoebe was strong, but seeing her lift up the curvy, solid Wanda with ease was something else. She turned and set Wanda down away from Arnold. "I don't mind my boyfriend talking to you, but you giving him unwanted physical advances is where I'm going to have to step in."

"But he wants me-"

Phoebe gently smacked her on the cheek. "No."

Wanda looked at her in shock, unsure if she should fight back or not. "You hit me! Just because Arnold wants me-"

Phoebe smacked her other cheek. "_No_."

"_Stop hitting me!_"

"Stop sexually harassing Arnold."

"I wasn't-"

Phoebe smacked her a third time. "_No!_"

Wanda clenched her jaw and huffed through her nose. "_Fine!_"

Phoebe took a deep breath to ease her nerves, and she said, "Look, we both have had feelings for Arnold for a long, long time," before Wanda could interrupt, she added, "you longer than me." She paused for a moment to take another deep breath to remain calm. "He had his choice of girls to ask out on a date, and he made his choice." She swallowed hard, hoping her voice wasn't shaking as much as she thought. "You and I used to be friends, but I know you won't do anything for me if I asked now. So, considering you still care very much for Arnold, respect his decision." She swallowed again, cursing her throat for drying up. "I know you mean a lot to him because you're one of his oldest friends, and I would _never_ ask him to stop being your friend. If not for me, as least respect his and my relationship...for _him_."

Wanda crinkled her nose, and Phoebe tensed, not sure how Wanda would react. She was pleasantly surprised when Wanda stepped back. "All right, _fine_." She rubbed her red cheeks. "You didn't have to hit me."

Phoebe sighed and looked down. "Yes, I did."

"All right, _fine_, you did." She started walking away, Phoebe hearing her mutter, "_Dudley Douche-Bag_."

It came out freshman year that Phoebe had not been born in Boston, as was previously believed, but instead, she had been born (early) during a trip her parents took to Montreal. Ralphie had been the one to first discover this fact, when he saw Phoebe's birth certificate when looking for his own in order to sign up for driver's ed. The "Québec" was what caught his eye, followed by the French. Mark was the one who told him, and when Ralphie asked Phoebe what state was on her birth certificate, she was quick to say, "Commonwealth of Massachusetts."

"Really?" he asked, smirking. "'Cause I thought it was a _province_ on your birth certificate, _eh?_"

Soon after that, the rest of the gang found out. Janet had been the one to come up with "Dudley Douche-Bag," and prior to now, Phoebe hadn't been called that since sophomore year when Wanda had called her that. The others would tease her about her dual citizenship and Canadian birth, but it wasn't anything more than "We're getting donuts at Dunkin', but we figure you'd want Tim Hortons, _eh?_" or "Drinking milk from a jug? Sure you don't want a bag?" Still, being friends with this group have given her somewhat of a thick skin. She chose to ignore what Wanda said.

Arnold shook his head in disbelief. "Wow, that went _so_ much better than I expected."

Phoebe's hardened expression faded, and she became less tense as she wrapped her arms around him. "This is where my social anxiety is going to ask you whether or not she's the Lyanna Stark to your Rhaegar Targaryen, thus making me your Elia Martell."

Arnold returned the hold. "We're Ned and Cat. Stark and Tully, remember? Not Targaryen and Martell. _Stark and Tully_."

She pulled back enough to look at him. "Stark and Tully."

He gave her a small kiss on the lips. "Direwolf and Trout."

"The Young Wolf and the Blackfish...though, those weren't Ned and Cat's nicknames."

He smiled and shrugged. "But they're ours, so they work."

* * *

Friday night at Paunch Burger meant that the restaurant would be packed with Walkerville High kids. Paunch Burger was supposed to become a chain of fast food restaurants when it opened in the 1970s, but it never took off outside of Wamapoke County. Eventually, what chains had opened closed, leaving the original in downtown Walkerville the only one. The Sweetums company eventually bought that one Paunch Burger so that they had somewhere to sell their sweetest sodas at massive sizes.

Ralphie, Carlos, Keesha, Wanda, Dorothy Ann, and Tim were sitting in a booth, all enjoying their burgers, fries, and sodas. As they ate, they also stared across the restaurant where Arnold and Phoebe were having their date night. D.A. sighed and put her burger down. "_Please_ enlighten me again as to why we're shadowing Arnold and Phoebe?" she asked.

"Because something could come up where we might need one of them," Carlos said.

Tim nodded. "Let's face it: We're hopeless without the yuppie and the hippie keeping us in line."

Ralphie swallowed his bite of burger. "Sad, but true."

Keesha tapped Wanda's leg with her foot. "You're oddly quiet."

"Can we _not_ talk about Arnold and his mistake?" she snapped.

Keesha and Carlos were sharing the side of the booth with Ralphie, and Carlos grabbed him by the shirt as Keesha rolled her eyes. Wanda was sitting between Tim and D.A., who both grabbed her by the arms.

"Arnold's _what_?" Ralphie demanded. Carlos continued to hold on to him as he tensed further. "Look, I've had to put up with you making your little smart ass comments about my bro and my step-sister, but I'm getting really goddamn sick of it! Get over it, Wanda! _Get over it!_ The sooner you do, the sooner you'll be happy, and the sooner we won't have to put up with your _bratty bullshit anymore!_"

Wanda exploded with, "_You mind your own dicky beeswax!_" but Tim and D.A. grabbed her with both hands this time, keeping her in place.

Their table soon exploded in a cacophony of shouts and arguments. The restaurant was loud from the other kids, the music, and the arcade games, so no one noticed the six fighting in their booth. As soon as the fighting started, it suddenly stopped. The six sat back, all trying to catch their breath. Keesha eventually broke the tension.

"I don't get what the big deal over Arnold is, anyway. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love the guy; he's a good friend, but..." She shrugged. "I guess he's all right looking, for a ginger dandy boy who waxes his chest, but have any of you not named 'Ralphie' spent more than an hour with him, one-on-one?" She closed her eyes and let out a loud snore.

The others laughed, and Carlos said, "He's such a nerd for grammar. He's always correcting me. Irregardless, he's-"

D.A. held up her hand. "_That's_ why he corrects you. You use words that don't exist." She sighed. "But he can get arrogant about it."

Tim chuckled. "And this is _Dorothy Ann_ saying this."

Wanda crossed her arms. "Are you guys saying this shit so I'll get over him?"

"Did it work?" Keesha asked.

She sighed. "Yeah, a little."

Tim held up his hand. "He's related to Janet."

Wanda pointed at him. "And _now_ I'm over him."

Ralphie held up his hands. "All right, all right, I'm sure we all have our 'Arnold can be a boring dick' stories, but do any of you have any bad Phoebe stories?" They all thought about it, and even Wanda shook her head when the others did. "That girl is a _saint_. Let's be real: If anyone can put up with Arnold when he's in 'boring dick' mode, it's her."

Carlos cupped his hands together. "She's like a little freckled ball of puppies and sunshine you just want to keep in your pocket for a bad day. Even when she's feeling down and shitty, she won't let any of us feel down and shitty." He stopped when he realized something. "Shit. This means we owe it to her to go to that Eagleton party, huh?"

"With everything she's done for us over the years, that would be the right thing for us to do for her," Tim said. They all nodded and groaned in agreement. Tim suddenly tensed and arched his brows. "_She's here_."

Wanda grabbed his wrist. "What?"

Keesha and D.A. looked around, and Carlos said, "_Janet_."

"Holy shit snacks," Wanda said, her eyes widening.

Everyone at the table jumped and yelped when Janet suddenly appeared. "Hello, bitches."

Wanda leaned forward. "Janet, hey, listen, settle something for me?"

Janet smirked. "Fine."

"You like to have sex, and you like to travel?"

"Yeah."

Wanda grinned. "Then you can fuck off."

Janet let out a harsh laugh and put her hand on Tim's shoulder. "Oh, Wanda, it's so cute how you think you're so, _so_ clever." She slid her hand along Tim's neck to his cheek. "I was just seeing what Timmy's up to this weekend, if he was going to the Thomsons' party."

Tim was tense and full on angry-faced, so Keesha answered for him, "We're all going, Janet."

Janet brushed her finger along Tim's moustache. "I love the facial hair, Timmy. _So sexy_. Come find me tomorrow night."

She walked off, and Carlos shook his head. "Fight the temptation, Tim. Janet's hot as shit, but you don't need that crazy back in your life."

"You have to love how the Perlsteins are on complete opposite ends of the spectrum," Keesha said. "It's like if there was a third one, they would be _right_ in the middle...not too nice but not too sociopathic."

Tim relaxed just a little. "Janet just likes to check in every so often and make sure I'm doing okay. And if I am, she tries to fuck everything up."

Ralphie touched his fist to his other palm. "We'll back you up, man. Help make sure you don't fall in the ginger trap."

Carlos snorted. "Or _her_ ginger trap."

D.A. grimaced and pushed her food away. "And just like that, I am no longer hungry."

Across the restaurant, Arnold and Phoebe glanced at their friends, Arnold laughing. "I'm willing to bet they think we're not aware they are following us."

"Oh, I know they think that," Phoebe said, taking a bite of her salad. "There's always at least two of them shadowing us on a date."

At the same time, they said, "Ralphie and Carlos."

True to his word of dressing down, Arnold was wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and blue boat shoes. His t-shirt was a blue Red Sox one he bought because of Phoebe, and she was wearing a gray Red Sox tank top with her jeans and worn hi-top boots. It was unintentional they both wore Red Sox shirts, but at least there were plenty of others in Red Sox shirts at the restaurant. Phoebe left her hair unruly, not wanting to deal with her frustrating waves (she was seriously considering just cutting it all off), but Arnold's was styled, as always. She didn't expect he'd go out with his curls unstyled.

Phoebe's smile faded. "Though I did notice your cousin speaking to them."

Arnold shook his head. "She's probably trying to manipulate Tim in to dating her again. It's a terrible idea. Most guys might say they don't want their friend dating their female family member, but most guys don't have Janet as a female family member."

"To be fair, Tim has fared the best of any of Janet's exes."

Arnold nodded. "True." He paused for a moment before clearing his throat. "So, my trout of Tully, changing the subject, but I want to run something by you before I make any decisions."

"Shoot, my direwolf of Stark."

"I'm thinking about doing competitive boxing during my swimming off-season." He reached across the table and took her hand. "What d'you think?"

Phoebe knew boxing was second to swimming when it came to Arnold's sports (golf was third), but he never did it competitively, only training and maybe the occasional practice fight. She hated the idea of him getting hurt. He wasn't Ralphie, who she was used to seeing beat up, either by her fist or from football and hockey. But she knew he loved boxing (after his rock collection and swimming, of course).

She smiled and reached across the table to gently tug on his ear. "I'd hate to see these adorable ears become cauliflower ears." She winked and pulled her arm back. "If you want to do it and competing will make you happy, I say do it."

"Are you sure?"

She took both of hands in hers and gave them a squeeze. "I'm absolutely sure, Arnold Matthew Perlstein. You don't need my approval."

He squeezed her hands back. "But you're my best gal. _Of course_ I'm going to ask for your opinion and-or approval." He brought one of her hands to his lips and kissed it. "But you don't have to ask for mine."

She pulled her left hand away so she could pick up her fork. She smiled and before taking a bite of her salad, she said, "Oh, I know."

He chuckled. "Phoebe's going to do what Phoebe's going to do."

She grinned and winked. "It's why I'm the Blackfish." She tapped her nose with her finger. "I just hope that when you're in a boxing match, you won't end up getting a crooked nose like mine."

"You mean I could get a cute, crooked Terese nose?"

"If your opponent hits you as hard as those wood stairs hit me, then maybe."

Arnold wasn't sure if this was one of those times Phoebe was kidding in a "serious" voice or not. He let out a nervous laugh when she grinned and chuckled, hoping he didn't offend her on some level. The mood shifted when Arnold notice Phoebe look up and tense.

"I must say it saddens me to see you slumming, cousin."

Arnold turned and looked up at Janet. "Making your rounds?"

She smirked. "I'm sure Auntie Jean would _love_ to know who you're really hanging out with tonight."

Arnold hurried to his feet as Phoebe asked, "What?"

"What I told my parents is between me and them," he said to Janet. "Stop stirring up shit."

Janet was five-eleven without heels, but with her high heels, she was about the same height as Arnold, so there wasn't much a difference as they both stood with their heads high. She smiled and said, "Are you implying I'm an instigator?"

"I _know_ you are." He lowered his voice and said, "I've put up with a lot of shit from you since we were little, but I refuse to allow you to come between me and Phoebe, all right?"

"Oh, Arnold, it's not always about..._that_." She gestured towards Phoebe. "Sure, I never approved of your choice in..._her_, but this is about your little friend Tim."

He nodded. "Also your ex who wants nothing to do with you."

"Convince him to get back with me, and I won't tell Aunt Jean and Uncle Stephen you lied to them."

Arnold laughed. "Holy shit snacks! You're blackmailing me?"

Janet's smile was gone, and Phoebe felt a chill run down her back when she recognized that icy look in her eyes. "I can do more than that, Arnold, and you know it."

Phoebe scrambled to her feet. "Arnold, let's just-"

Janet snapped her head towards her. "Stay out of this, Lezzie Borden!"

"Hey, don't insult Phoebe!"

"I will insult her all I want!"

Time seemed to slow to Phoebe as Janet's hand made contact with Arnold's face. As soon as she slapped him, Phoebe felt instinct take over as her left fist made contact with Janet's jaw. Time resumed to normal speed, and Phoebe froze for a moment, shocked at the sight of Janet on the floor, holding her jaw as she moaned in pain. A shout of "_Run!_" from Arnold had Phoebe grab her small purse and run for the door. She continued to run to where Arnold's Porsche was parked across the street, and Arnold used the keyless entry to unlock it. They both got in, and she started to laugh when she saw he had grabbed his burger.

"You grabbed your hamburger?"

He started the engine and drove off. "Phoebe Margot Terese, how long have you known me? Did you really think I would leave perfectly good food behind?" He smiled. "I'm proud and shocked that you clocked Janet."

Phoebe shrugged. "She hit you and threatened you. I wasn't going to let her get away with hurting someone I love." She realized what she had blurted out. "I- I just meant-"

He pouted. "So you don't love me?" He came to a stop at a stop sign, and he leaned over to kiss her cheek. "I love you, Phoebe Terese. Does that help? 'Cause it's true."

She giggled and wiped her cheek. "You got ketchup and dead cow on me." She used her thumb to wipe his lips before giving him a kiss. "I love you, Arnold Perlstein."

They kissed again, and Arnold brushed the back of his fingers along her cheek. "Thank you for doing something I've wanted to do for years but couldn't bring myself to because Janet's a girl."

"Anytime, but you know, Ralphie hits me all the time."

Arnold nodded. "True, but to be fair, you can hold your own against him. I'm pretty sure Janet could easily kill me if given the chance."

* * *

**note:** _Poopy, the raccoon who somehow found his way in to the cafeteria to poop everywhere, struck again..._ - From _Parks and Recreation_. Poopy the raccoon is on the parks department's "Most Wanted Pests" list, as he poops all over the high school cafeteria.

_"Dudley Douche-Bag."_ - From _Archer_. It's a reference to the character Dudley Do-Right.

Paunch Burger is also from _Parks and Recreation_, but it is a fast food chain on the show, as opposed to the local burger joint in this fic. Also from _Parks_ is the fictional Wamapoke County.

_"You mind your own dicky beeswax!"_ - Also _Archer_.

_"Holy shit snacks..."_ - _Archer_, again.

_"Janet, hey, listen, settle something for me?"..."Then you can fuck off." _- From _Veep_.

_"Janet just likes to check in every so often and make sure I'm doing okay. And if I am, she tries to fuck everything up."_ - More _Parks and Recreation_.

_"...Lezzie Borden!"_ - From _Will & Grace_.

Comments are always welcome! Stay tuned for five :D


	5. walkerville-eagleton drink off classic

**note:** I'd just like to say that Carlos and Phoebe's friendship is perhaps the most fun thing I've written thus far, and I plan to write more of it in the coming chapters. Just a heads up: There is a bit of the underage drinking in this chapter, but hey, if you've read my other fics, this sort of thing shouldn't be too surprising, haha.

Don't own MSB.

Enjoy!

* * *

**00's comedown machine  
**by, the ultimateSora

**chapter five  
the walkerville-eagleton drink off classic**

The gang took two cars to the Thomson party that Saturday night, Ralphie and Dorothy Ann being the drivers. D.A. followed Ralphie, who was driving lead as Phoebe had the directions to the party. Ralphie, Phoebe, Arnold, and Carlos were in one vehicle, and Tim rode shotgun in D.A.'s Volkswagen Golf as Keesha managed to keep Wanda from playing with the window and lock buttons.

Tim glanced at the backseat. "I still think you should remove the whole backseat and put in a kick ass sound system. Hell, I could trick out this whole hatchback for you at discount. Low-rider tires, tinted windows, subwoofers, whatever you want."

"Yeah, spice up this boring ass car," Wanda said. "And what the _hell_ are we listening to?"

"Do _not_ talk shit on R.E.M.," D.A. snapped. She smiled at Tim. "I like my boring car, thanks. It's perfect for boring ol' me."

When they drove across town to the southeast side, Tim groaned. "Holy shit, of course the Eagleton twins live in Old Walker Vale."

Keesha snorted. "Yeah, but not the super rich part, just the newer, slightly smaller McMansions part."

D.A. parked behind Ralphie's Jeep near the Thomson house, and the eight stayed close as they walked down the sidewalk. The number of luxury cars told them that the Eagleton kids were already there. Carlos shook his head. "Damn, we should have just packed into Wanda's BMW and Perlstein's Porsche. At least we woulda fit in better."

"The key to rich kids," Arnold said, "is punch them when they become a huge pain the ass."

"We don't punch you, and you can be a pain in the ass," Carlos said.

Tim laughed and patted Carlos' shoulder. "That's 'cause Arnold can kick _your_ ass, man."

Ralphie nodded. "If any Eagleton rich kids need their asses kicked, we'll just send in Arnold. And maybe Pheebs. She _is_ freakishly strong."

Keesha held up her hands. "And she's got those Johnny Bench-ian fingers. Ball 'em in to a fist, and you have two sledgehammers."

"Sacrifice the gingers while the rest of us run. Got it," Tim said.

Phoebe looked at her very long, bony hands. "My hands aren't _that_ big."

Ralphie held up one of his massive hands. "Almost as long as my hands, but I'm a big boy who plays football; I'm _supposed_ to have huge hands."

Arnold took one of her hands and brought it to his lips. "Well, I _adore_ your hands, Phoebe."

Keesha nudged him with her elbow. "I bet you do, Mr. Perlstein." In an English accent, she went on, "Know what I mean? Know what I mean? _Nudge, nudge_. _Wink, wink_. Say no more!"

Carlos laughed and put his arm around her shoulders. "Gotta love a woman who quotes Python!"

They walked in the house to find the Eagleton kids dancing while drinking from red Solo cups. Red..._Eagleton High School's color_. Walkerville kids' parties always used blue Solo cups, blue for the Walkerville High Wildcats. Phoebe was glad she left Arnold's letter jacket at home, but she realized her flannel blouse was red. Ricky was the first one to come over to them, and he was the only one smiling at them.

"Hey, you guys made it! We have a keg in the kitchen, liquor on the bar outside on the patio. Bartender will make you whatever you want. Just have some fun!"

"I take it your parents aren't home?" D.A. asked.

Keesha rolled her eyes. "Oh, don't be such a nerd."

Ricky held up his hands. "Before you guys go, I want to introduce you guys to my best friends." He turned and called out, "Hey, Peggy, can you round up the gang?" They saw Peggy Thomson in the living room, and she nodded to Ricky. A few moments later, Peggy and six others joined him. "You guys all know my sister, Peggy." He put his arm around a blonde girl's shoulders and said, "This is my girlfriend, Anna Beth Edwards." He pointed to the tall, slender black girl beside Anna Beth. "That's Kelly Freeman." The pretty-faced boy with shaggy blonde hair beside her. "That's Ronnie Perlman." The slim black guy wearing a Rolling Stones t-shirt beside him. "That's Tom Royce." The short, fair skinned Asian girl beside him. "That's Wendy Lu." The dark skinned, black haired girl not much taller than Wendy. "And that's Carla Rodriguez."

"Aw, what?" Carlos' face fell in disappointment. "My Bizarro self is a chick?" The others looked at him with raised brows. "Don't tell me you guys didn't notice! Look at them! Look at us!"

Wendy snorted. "Yeah, it's like looking in a shabby, poor mirror."

Wanda started to take her Chanel earrings off. "Okay, that's it." She handed D.A. her earrings. "Hold these. I'm gonna have to choke a bitch."

Wendy started taking hers off, handing them to Tom. "Tommy, hold mine. I have to take out the trash."

"Holy shit, there's two of them," Ralphie said.

D.A. handed Wanda her earrings back. "Wanda, stop. Everyone, just calm down. Let's just go get some drinks and relax, all right?"

Anna Beth nodded. "Agreed."

All but Ricky and Phoebe glanced at the other other group with narrow eyes before dispersing. Ralphie pulled Carlos and Phoebe aside. "So we have Bizarro selves from Eagleton, huh?"

Carlos nodded. "Yeah, just like on _Seinfeld_."

Ralphie shook his head. "What? No!"

"No, no, yeah, Carlos is right," Phoebe said. "It was on the _Seinfeld_ episode 'The Bizarro Jerry.'"

"No! The whole Bizarro thing is from _Superman_!"

Carlos scoffed. "And where do you think the _Superman_ comics got the idea? From _Seinfeld_!"

Ralphie's jaw dropped some. "I can't believe you two! You _Seinfeld_ fans should know that Jerry Seinfeld is a fan of _Superman_, thus made the reference..._from Superman!_"

Carlos shook his head. "Always have to be right, don't you, man? C'mon, Pheebs, let's go drink."

They walked off, leaving a frustrated Ralphie. "_Idiots_."

* * *

Tim and Carlos were outside at the bar, Carlos enjoying beer in a red Solo cup and Tim whiskey on the rocks. They were leaning back on the bar and looking around at everyone, a mix of Eagleton and Walkerville kids.

"If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party," Tim said.

"Man, lighten up," Carlos said, laughing. "Look at all the Gee-Fohs."

"The what?"

"G.F.O.S. Girls From Other Schools...Gee-Fohs." Carlos sighed and smiled. "So many babes. Too bad they're from Eagleton."

"Still think this party could be better," Tim said, taking a sip of his whiskey.

Carlos shrugged. "Well, look on the bright side."

"Which is?"

Carlos cocked a brow. "Which is what?"

Tim sighed. "You just said 'look on the bright side.'"

"It's a figure of speech, man."

"You're an idiot."

Carlos scoffed. "Whatever, man. You're just upset I'm gonna score with an Eagleton chick tonight."

Tim took another drink and chuckled. "Watch it be your Eagleton female version."

"Dude!"

The mood shifted drastically when they sensed Janet approach. She was wearing shorts that left little to the imagination with a sleeveless blouse. Tim had to avert his eyes from her long, toned, smooth, milky-white legs and arms. Oh, how those legs used to wrap around him..._no!_ He, instead, glanced at the bruised lump on her right jawline before looking at his drink.

"Hey, Tim," she said, grinning. She nodded to Carlos. "Glenn."

For some reason, Janet tended to call Carlos "Glenn," but the others assumed it was so she wouldn't accidentally tempt him in to being interested in her.

"Janet, be gone," Tim said. "I have no interest in sacrificing any small children tonight."

Carlos' jaw dropped, and he started laughing. "Holy shit snacks! I know that bruising anywhere!" He looked at Tim. "Doesn't it look like bruises Ralphie tends to get?"

Tim laughed. "Good lord, li'l ol' Pheebs hit you, didn't she?"

Janet's smirk was gone. "Bitch caught me by surprise."

"_Hey!_" Carlos was no longer laughing, and Tim had to put his arm in front of him to keep him in place. "Call Phoebe Terese a 'bitch' one more time and see what happens!"

"Oh, what are you going to do, Glenn? Are you going to hit me?" Janet laughed. "Oh, you sad little man." She winked at Tim. "If you still want some of _this_," she gestured down her body, "just come find me."

She walked off, and Tim patted Carlos on the chest. "You all right, man?"

Carlos nodded. "Pheebs went easy on her."

"You want to go find Pheebs?"

"Yeah."

Tim patted him on the back and guided him forward. "All right, then. Let's go."

* * *

Keesha sat on the kitchen island counter to keep an eye on Wanda as she visited with girls from the cheer squad and drill team (which she was on). Once the cheerleaders and dancers started doing shots, Keesha knew that was when she'd have to _really_ monitor Wanda so she didn't do something stupid and-or illegal (like arson). Ralphie walked up to her just then, a lot of the girls squealing when they saw him.

Ralphie waved them off and looked at Keesha. "On the Wanda Watch?"

Keesha shrugged. "Someone has to do it."

"Get Arnold to watch her. I need a beer pong partner, and you're the best beer ponger in the gang."

"Ask D.A. She's pretty good."

He shook his head. "Nah, she takes too long lining up her shot."

"What about Tim?"

"He's trying to dodge Janet, so he needs to remain mobile."

Keesha nodded, understanding. "All right, _fine._ Go find Arnold, and I'll play beer pong with you."

Ralphie lit up. "You're the best!"

He ran off, and Keesha rolled her eyes and smiled. Though it was true about her being the best in the gang at beer pong. And not being on Wanda Watch for a change _would_ be nice. It wasn't like the others made her watch Wanda, but aside from Arnold, there wasn't anyone else Keesha trusted to keep Wanda out of trouble. Plus, she and Arnold were the only ones Wanda listened to. Ralphie and Carlos were enablers, and Wanda wouldn't listen to Tim, D.A., or Phoebe.

Ralphie came back with a reluctant Arnold. "Okay, I'm here. What do you guys need?" Arnold asked.

Keesha hopped down from the counter. "Watch Wanda while I go play beer pong, and before you protest and whine that you wanted to make out and violate your girlfriend, just remember that I've been on Wanda Watch-"

Arnold held up a hand and smiled. "I know you're always on Wanda Watch. Go play and have fun. I'll keep her from doing something illegal."

"Pheebs doesn't mind you're away from her?"

"She has Carlos." He wrinkled his nose a bit. "He was following her like a sad puppy, and I'll stop now because I know you're only half listening."

Keesha patted his cheek. "You're a doll."

She followed Ralphie out to the garage where three long tables were set up for beer pong. Ricky Thomson and Kelly Freeman were waiting at one of the tables, and Ralphie held up his hands.

"Let's play."

Kelly picked up a pitcher of water and began filling their ten cups (arranged in four rows: Four cups, three cups, two cups, and one cup at the "top"), and Ralphie started filling their ten. At least the Eagleton and Walkerville kids had this in common, filling the beer pong cups with water as not to waste beer. Keesha did find it weird playing against her and Ralphie's doppelgangers at first, but once she and Ralphie won the first game, she didn't care anymore. Kelly demanded best two out of three, so they reset the cups and played again.

When Ralphie and Keesha were down to four cups, Keesha said, "Diamond it."

"What?" Kelly asked.

"One, two, one," Keesha said. "Make a diamond, _duh_."

Kelly rolled her eyes but did it anyway. "_There_."

"Thank you- What was your name again?" Keesha asked.

"Kelly."

Keesha smirked and lined up her shot. "Thank you..._Asshole_." She tossed the ping pong ball, making it in the furthest cup. "Aw, yeah!"

She and Ralphie ended up winning the best two out of three, to which Kelly demanded another rematch. Ricky sighed and leaned on the table. "Kelly, you're taking the fun out of this, so I'm out. I'm gonna go find Anna Beth."

Keesha and Ralphie high fived one another, and Kelly gave them the finger as she walked away. "We are still the beer pong champs," Keesha said. "C'mon, let's go find some more losers to beat."

* * *

Carlos could tell Phoebe's anxiety was beginning to get to her, so he offered to get her a Diet Coke from the bartender. She shook her head and said she wanted alcohol, hoping it would ease her anxiety. He got her a beer, despite knowing what little of a tolerance she had. As long as she was with him or anyone else in the gang, he knew she'd be okay. They found an empty spot on the couch, and Phoebe rested her head on his lap.

She sighed and closed her eyes. "Carlos, tell me I'm pretty."

He smiled and gave her head a gentle scratch. "Were you single, I would take you in a manly fashion."

"'Cause I'm pretty?"

"'Cause you're pretty."

Phoebe was far from ugly, but she was definitely not Carlos' type. Still, she was the most adorable girl in all of New England, as far as he was concerned. She was his "li'l Pheebs." If she had to settle for any guy, he was glad that at least it was a good (albeit sometimes arrogant) guy like Arnold. Before Arnold had asked her out, Carlos knew she was down at times because she felt it would never be with the guy she always had a strong crush on. Carlos tried cheering her up (which wasn't hard for him) and told her, "You'll find someone. You know you're cute as hell." With anyone else, she may have said that she didn't want "someone;" she wanted Arnold, but instead, she laughed and gave him a hug.

"Well, if it isn't Chet Manley!"

Phoebe sat up, and she recognized a Walkerville cheerleader. Carlos looked tense as he said to the girl, "Yeah, and is it- I wanna say...Megan?"

"Katie!" Katie corrected. "And you said you'd call me!"

Carlos laughed. "Really? To both statements?" Katie let out a shriek before storming off. "Wow, I really don't remember her."

Phoebe cocked a brow. "'Chet Manley'? Really?"

"It's the name I use when I don't want chicks to remember who I am."

She cupped his cheek. "Carlos, I love you to pieces, but _that_ is the reason I never had romantic feelings for you."

He winked and took her hand. "I'd only break your heart, baby."

She placed the back of her other hand on her forehead and fell back on to his lap. "_Oh_, Chet Manley!"

"You're not going to let me live that one down, huh?"

"Nope."

"Aw, c'mon, I'm sure you have a fake name for when you randomly made out with dudes."

She shook her head. "Arnold was the first boy I've ever kissed."

"_Really?_"

She reached up and gently smacked his cheek. "Oh, don't act so surprised. But if I were single, what would be a good fake name for me?"

He thought about it for a moment. "Randi Randerson. 'Randi' with an 'i.'"

"Randi Randerson and Chet Manley," she said.

"Not as cool as Burt Macklin and Judy Snakehole, since Burt and Judy work for the FBI."

"Burt Macklin" and "Judy Snakehole" were names the two came up with in sixth grade when passing the time by playing "FBI Agents" when waiting for their friends after school one afternoon. They still used the aliases from time to time, as playing "FBI Agents" was a fun way to pass the time.

"Randi Randerson and Chet Manley sound like the types that Burt and Judy are trying to apprehend," Phoebe said.

"Oh, they totally are." He spotted Janet across the living room. "Uh oh. I think I might have to warn Timmy boy that Janet's still looking for him."

Phoebe sat up. "Go. I'll go find D.A."

"You sure?"

She smiled. "If I'm with my Golden Rose, I'll be all right. Go help Tim."

Carlos patted her back and got up. Phoebe stood up and decided to refill her beer before finding Dorothy Ann. She found her outside, sitting on a patio chair and talking to some girls Phoebe recognized from school but didn't know. Without a word, Phoebe set her beer on the table by D.A., kneeled down beside D.A.'s chair, and rested her head on her arms, which she placed on the arm rest. D.A. put her hand on Phoebe's back, continuing her conversation while gently running her manicured nails along Phoebe's shirt. Phoebe felt her anxiety begin to subside, the scent of D.A.'s perfume relaxing her. D.A. didn't need to ask what was the matter, nor did Phoebe have to explain that she was overwhelmed. D.A. knew, and the fact Phoebe didn't have to say anything to her relaxed her more.

"Janet thinks she has an edge in the election," D.A. said, "but we all know most people aren't scared of her enough to vote for her. Our class knows me and has voted for me since the eighth grade."

"Everyone does love your confidence," Girl 1 said. Phoebe didn't know the other girls' names.

"Are you going to take care of Poopy once and for all?" Girl 2 asked. "I'm tired of that bleach smell every time he strikes."

"I'd have to meet with the administration and senior class president," D.A. said, "but I have an idea of how we can trap him." She lowered her voice and added, "_And release him in to Eagleton_."

She and the other girls laughed, and Phoebe smiled to herself when she recognized it was D.A.'s "hoity toity laugh," which she used when around her rowing teammates when training in Old Walker Vale or when discussing both school and national politics. The three wrapped up their conversation, and the other two girls excused themselves to meet up with another friend. Phoebe got up when they left, and she pulled a chair closer to D.A. before she sat down.

"You know you're my trophy wife, right?" D.A. asked.

"How am _I_ a trophy? I'm dating the ultimate trophy boy."

D.A. chuckled. "I just meant you're essentially my First Lady, should I win re-election."

Phoebe mouthed a "_Wow!_" as she looked up. "Me...the First Lady."

"Martha Washington, Eleanor Roosevelt, Jacqueline Kennedy-"

"And Pat Nixon!" Phoebe paused for a moment. "Wait, we are just naming off First Ladies, right? Did you know Edith Wilson was essentially our first female President, except no one knew? Though, I think Betty Ford was my favorite First Lady. I always felt bad for Rachel Jackson, what with what the Adams campaign did to her and all."

D.A. was well aware that one of Phoebe many random interests was the history of the First Ladies. Before D.A. could respond, she and Phoebe turned when they heard an eruption of shouts that sounded all too familiar. They turned to see Tim and Janet screaming at one another, both stopping when Ralphie, Keesha, and Carlos ran over to them.

"We're fine!" Tim said. "Everything's all right! We just need to talk."

The two of them walked off, and some of the Eagleton kids laughed. Ricky's friend Wendy raised her cup. "Here's to every Walkerville citizen who might have a bright future if they fundamentally change everything about themselves."

"_You deformed little toad!_" Keesha shouted. Carlos and Ralphie grabbed her before she tackled Wendy.

"_Run!_" Ralphie shouted.

He and Carlos ran as they both carried Keesha away. D.A. and Phoebe both got to their feet to run after them and leave the party, but suddenly, a massive fight broke out between the Walkerville kids and Eagleton kids. One of them knocked Phoebe over, but D.A. caught her before she hit her head on the ground. Unfortunately, her ankle had popped under her weight.

"Go without me," Phoebe said. "Save yourself!"

D.A. sighed and easily lifted the five-foot-ten, hundred and twenty-ish pound Phoebe (despite being about five inches shorter, though D.A. had the strength). "This isn't those depressing fantasy books you read, for chrissakes! No one's dying tonight."

Phoebe suddenly broke out in to a terrible rendition of "I Will Always Love You" as D.A. carried her across the backyard. "I was trying to sing like Whitney, not Dolly."

"That beer's kicking in, isn't it?" D.A. asked, chuckling.

Phoebe held tight to D.A. "You really are my Knight of Flowers. Saving my skinny butt once again."

"Thank me later when we're safe at your house or mine." D.A. managed to get them to the driveway, walking as fast as she could to where her car was parked. That's when she remembered, "_Shit_. Keesha has my keys."

"She might be at the car already, my Golden Rose of Tyrell."

"True." D.A.'s arms were growing tired, but she kept going. She nearly dropped Phoebe when she saw that not only was Ralphie's car gone but so was hers. "_Dammit!_ They forgot us again!"

Phoebe wiggled out of D.A.'s hold and put her weight on her good ankle. "Why do they-" She suddenly gagged and projectile vomit flew on to the yard of the house they were in front of. "This..._this_ is why I don't drink."

She was wobbly, so D.A. wrapped an arm around her waist to keep her up. "Beer does hit you hard at the most random times."

Phoebe wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. "How...how do we get home?"

"Are you done throwing up?"

"Yeah, I think so."

D.A. nodded and lifted her again. "Get some rest. It's a long walk back to our part of town."

* * *

**note:** The chapter title is based on the _Parks and Recreation_ episode "The Pawnee-Eagleton Tip Off Classic."

_"And she's got those Johnny Bench-ian fingers..."_ - From _Archer_. From the article "The Ten Most Obscure 'Archer' Jokes - Explained": _Johnny Bench is a Hall of Fame catcher who played for the Cincinnati Reds. ... After the initial episode aired Adam Reed was informed that Johnny Bench was also known for having giant fingers and was famous for a parlor trick he did where he held seven baseballs in one hand. This made for a reemergence of the Bench reference aimed at Lana Kane's monster hands ... and her "Johnny Benchian fingers" (S01E04)._ So, yeah, Phoebe has monster hands like Lana.

_"Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink. Say no more!"_ - From _Monty Python's Flying Circus_.

_"...I'm gonna have to choke a bitch."_ - From _Chappelle's Show_.

_"Holy shit, there's two of them," Ralphie said._ - From _It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia_.

_"If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party," Tim said._ - More _Parks and Recreation_.

_"G.F.O.S. Girls From Other Schools...Gee-Fohs."_ - From _Bob's Burgers_, except it was BFOS...boys from other schools.

_Carlos shrugged. "Well, look on the bright side." ... "It's a figure of speech, man."_ - More _Archer_.

Janet calling Carlos "Glenn" is also from _Parks and Recreation_. It's what Ron's ex-wife Tammy ("Tammy 2") calls Tom.

_"Thank you- What was your name again?" ... "Thank you...Asshole."_ - Also _Archer_.

_She sighed and closed her eyes. "Carlos, tell me I'm pretty." ... "'Cause you're pretty."_ - From _Firefly_.

_"You'll find someone. You know you're cute as hell."_ - From _Mad Men_.

_"Well, if it isn't Chet Manley!" ... Carlos laughed. "Really? To both statements?"_ - Even more _Archer_. "Randi Randerson" is also kind of from _Archer_, though it's "Randy" with a "y."

"Burt Macklin" is Andy Dwyer's alter ego on _Parks and Recreation_. "Judy Snakehole" is a combo of April Ludgate's alter egos, Janet Snakehole and Judy Hitler, also from _Parks_.

_"Here's to every Walkerville citizen who might have a bright future if they fundamentally change everything about themselves."_ - Even more _Parks and Recreation_.

Reviews are always welcome. Stay tuned for six!


	6. princess of dragonstone

**note:** This chapter is a bit short, especially compared to five. To those still reading this, I thank you for sticking with it, and I apologize for the wait :)

Don't own MSB.

Enjoy!

* * *

**00's comedown machine  
**by, the ultimateSora

**chapter six  
princess of dragonstone**

When the rest of the gang met back at the Ternelli house, it didn't take long for them to realize they forgot Dorothy Ann and Phoebe..._again_. Arnold took D.A.'s car out to look for them, and he was glad that D.A. remembered the directions to the Thomson house well enough to retrace her steps back to the Ternelli house. He found them still in Old Walker Vale, only a block or so from the Thomson house. Phoebe was asleep in her arms, and after Arnold pulled up to them and parked, D.A. gently laid her on the backseat, moving her long legs so her feet were on the floor.

"How is it you two are always forgotten?" Arnold asked, driving them back to the Ternelli house.

"Gee, Arn, _I don't know_. You tell me," D.A. snapped. The rest of the ride was quiet, and after Arnold parked in the street in front of the Ternelli house, D.A. got out. "Don't forget your girlfriend."

Arnold couldn't blame her for being mad, especially since this wasn't the first time the two had been left behind (accidentally, of course) at a party. He got out and opened the backdoor. He was gentle as he lifted Phoebe out, and he shut the door with his foot. How he managed to hold Phoebe and lock the car was beyond him, but he did it. He carried her inside and up to her room. The walls of Phoebe's bedroom were dark red with a white trim, and on the edge of the one high book shelf that went around the perimeter of the room were intertwined strings of white lights, which were giving off the only light.

Phoebe's full size bed was low to the floor, as was her bed side table, and it was in the corner, against the same wall as her door. She had two pillows, one in a French flag pillowcase, the other in a Republic of Ireland flag pillowcase. Her white comforter with its gray and red floral design didn't match the pillowcases at all, nor did her gray sheets. Hung on the wall above her bed was the Australian flag (she had an uncle that lived there). The flag and the three movie posters (_The Empire Strikes Back_, _Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan_, and _The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring_) on the opposite wall were the only wall decor. Her desk and dresser were the only other furniture, besides her bed and bed side table (where her lamp, alarm clock, and copies of _A Clash of Kings_ and _A Storm of Swords_ sat).

"Boy in the room!" Keesha yelled out, throwing her pillow at Arnold. She, Wanda, and D.A. were on their makeshift blanket beds on the floor, the former two wearing Ralphie's t-shirts as night gowns.

Arnold set Phoebe on her bed. "Oh, please, the eight of us have all seen each other in various states of undress." He kissed Phoebe's forehead. "Sleep well."

He shut the door behind him, and D.A. was quick to lock the door. "I don't need Carlos barging in when I'm about to undress."

"Oh, just let him peek!" Wanda said. "If I can sleep in this moth ball smelling room, you can let him see you in your granny panties!"

Keesha laughed. "Do you know what moth balls smell like? It smells nothing like moth balls in here."

"It smells stale."

"Just stop."

D.A. rolled her eyes and quickly changed in to one of Ralphie's shirts. The girls would have worn Phoebe's extra pajamas if they weren't too small. D.A. gently shook Phoebe to wake her, and she helped her get her clothes and shoes off before helping her put on her sleep t-shirt and shorts. Phoebe laid back on her French flag pillow and fell back asleep fast, and D.A. pulled her sheets and comforter over her, tucking her in before lying down on her blanket bed. The blanket beds were comfortable, thanks to the many blankets layered.

Wanda let out a groan. "I'm _bored_ and not tired."

"You know we can't leave the room with the boys here until morning," Keesha said. "Mr. T's rules."

Wanda got up. "Then I'll make my own fun." She went to Phoebe's closet and flipped the light switch up before opening the door. "For sure, there's something funny or amusing to find in here."

D.A. sighed. "Wanda, _no_."

Wanda went in. "Wanda, _yes_."

Despite Phoebe's closet being a good sized walk-in, she didn't have many clothes hanging in there or many shoes on the floor. Most of the closet appeared to be storage, such as boxes of old toys, stacked notebooks, school projects from previous years, board games, and other such things. Wanda sat on the floor by the stacks of notebooks.

"What dork would save notes from school?" She snorted. "I mean, who cares about old note- _holy shit snacks!_"

Keesha sighed. "What?"

Wanda came out with a few notebooks in hand and a large smile on her face. "These aren't school notes!" She went back to her blanket bed, sitting as she set out the notebooks. "Look! '_Westeros Friend Fiction_, by Phoebe Terese.'"

D.A. sat up and picked up one of the notebooks. "Wait, I recognize some of these words and names. She wrote stories featuring us in her favorite fantasy books."

Keesha quickly sat up and grabbed a notebook. "Holy shit snacks, let me see this!" She opened it. "'Westeros Friend Fiction Appendix and Notes,'" she read out loud. "Let's see, let's see...oh, you two should hear some of this." Wanda and D.A. put down the notebooks they had, and Keesha read on, "'The Queen on the Iron Throne, House Targaryen of King's Landing. The Targaryens are the blood of the dragon, descended from the high lords of the ancient freehold of Valyria...' yada yada yada. Oh! Wanda, you'll love this. 'While the Targaryens traditionally practice the Westeros custom of the eldest son inheriting the throne, it was Queen Lyria, a Dornishwoman, who persuaded her husband to change the law so the eldest _child_ inherited the throne. King Rhaegel's love and respect for his wife had him consider her words, and soon after, he had the law changed. When he died in 294, his eldest child Wanda took the throne as the first Queen of the Seven Kingdoms and the first Targaryen Queen not by marriage.'"

Wanda cocked a brow. "All right, I totally dig being a queen, but what the hell is a 'Targaryen'?" She waved at Keesha. "Keep reading!"

Keesha went on, "'The Targaryen banner is a three-headed dragon, red on black, the three heads. The Targaryen words are _Fire and Blood_.' Ah, Wanda you'll love this, too. This is your full title, apparently." She cleared her throat. "'Wanda of House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, Queen of the Andals and the Rhoynar and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms, Princess of Dragonstone. A girl of sixteen years, the child of King Rhaegel I Targaryen, and Queen Lyria of House Dayne of Starfall.' Oh, now I _know_ you'll love this little bit. 'Her dragon, Vhagar, named for Visenya Targaryen's dragon.'"

"I get a dragon? Bitchin'!"

Keesha flipped through the pages. "Looks like we're all in different 'houses.' So Wanda is House Targaryen of King's Landing. D.A., you are House Tyrell of Highgarden, but I'm sure you knew that. House Baratheon of Storm's End...Ralphie. House Lannister of Casterly Rock...Carlos. Oh, me! I got House Greyjoy of Pyke...huh. Let's see...Tim got House Arryn of the Eyrie. Janet- wow, she included Janet- she's House Bolton of the Dreadfort. Don't know what that is, but it sounds about right. Arnold is House Stark of Winterfell, and Pheebs put herself in House Tully of Riverrun."

D.A. sighed. "I _know_ we shouldn't...but- but I kind of really want to read these."

Wanda grabbed a notebook. "Then let's read!"

D.A. _shh_ed her. "Hang on, hang on. Look, the three of us _have_ to swear Phoebe won't find out, okay? She clearly did not want us finding these, and we _cannot_ tell the guys. Arnold probably won't care, and Carlos wouldn't dare make fun of Phoebe, but it would kill her even more if they all knew, too. All right?"

Keesha nodded. "I wasn't going to tell those clowns."

"Wanda?"

Wanda pouted. "I plomise."

"Don't pull that shit, you little sea monkey!" Keesha snapped.

Wanda rolled her eyes and heaved a sigh. "_Fine_. I pawmise."

"_Say it right!_" Keesha and D.A. hissed.

"And show your fingers and toes," D.A. said. "I want to make sure you don't cross anything."

Keesha nodded. "Ser Dorothy Ann Tyrell of your Queensguard won't take that shit."

* * *

Since they had not heard from Tim since the party, the guys went to his house that Sunday afternoon. Tim answered the door, and the guys noticed the middle of his moustache was shaved off.

"Oh, look at that," Arnold said. "You shaved part of your moustache."

Tim shook his head. "No, it rubbed off...from friction."

The guys realized what he meant, and they all gagged. Ralphie shook it off and asked, "Is she gone?"

"We're seeing each other again tonight-"

"_No!_" the other three snapped. They grabbed him and dragged him to Ralphie's Jeep.

Once they got him in, Arnold took out his phone and called Phoebe. "Code J. Get the girls back to your house."

"On it."

He hung up, and Ralphie drove them to his house. Keesha, Wanda, and Dorothy Ann came a few minutes later, and the eight went to the upstairs den, sitting Tim on the couch as they stood in front of him.

"Janet and I worked things out!" he argued. "We just want to be together."

Ralphie crossed his arms. "Keesha, the tape."

Keesha put a tape in the VCR, and the seven stepped aside so Tim could see the TV. He appeared on the video, having recorded it some time after he and Janet broke up. "_Hello, Tim, it's Tim_," video-Tim said. "_If you're watching this, it means that, once again, you have danced with the devil. Right now, you're probably thinking, 'Janet's changed. We'll be happy together.' But you're only thinking that because she's a monstrous parasite who entered through your privates and lodged herself in your brain. So you have two choices: One, get rid of Janet, or two, lobotomy and castration. Choose wisely. You stupid dick_."

Tim shrugged. "Whatever."

"That was _you_," D.A. said. "_You_ said all of that!"

Wanda stepped forward. "Look, Timmy, I love you like a brother, but right now, I hate you. Like my actual brother, William, who I _hate_."

"You guys just hate love!" Tim said. "None of you know what true love is like."

Arnold gestured to him and Phoebe. "We kind of do, and I can assure you, whatever twisted thing you have with my cousin isn't 'true love.'"

"Nothing anyone has with Janet is any kind of 'true love.' It's all a mummer's farce," Phoebe said.

Tim got to his feet. "Enough! Janet and I have something real, and I'm not letting you dicks come between us!"

"Phrasing!" Carlos said. Keesha elbowed him hard.

Tim walked off. "Screw you guys!"

He went downstairs, and they heard him open and then slam the front door shut. Keesha crossed her arms. "Well, that went well."

Wanda groaned. "Oh, _man_, that means we'll have to put up with Janet more than we already do."

"Timmy-boy's doomed," Ralphie said. "He is _doomed_."

Keesha shook her head. "Seriously, Arnold, how did that sweet little aunt of yours spawn a she-demon like Janet?"

Ralphie laughed. "You realize the opposite happened with Arnold and his mother, right?"

Arnold held up his hands. "Can we not discuss my family genetics? Let's just figure out a way we can break whatever sorcery Janet is using on Tim."

Ralphie and Phoebe both snorted as they laughed. "You can't _break_ sorcery," Ralphie said.

"Maybe counter it," Phoebe said.

The others all groaned and yelled, "_Nerds!_" before shoving the two onto the couch.

Keesha sighed as Ralphie and Phoebe got up. "Remember when Arnold and D.A. were the group's nerds? Now, they're the preppies and these two dorks are the resident nerds."

"Well, which are we, Keesha?" Ralphie asked. "Dorks or nerds?"

"Both."

D.A. held up her hands. "Uhm, _hello_, we have a pressing matter here? What are we going to do about Tim?"

Arnold shrugged. "I could just talk to Janet-"

"_No!_" Phoebe cried out, grabbing his arm. "I swear by the old gods and the new, now's not the time to be a Stark."

Arnold smiled. "But the Starks are the good guys. The good guys always win."

Phoebe wrapped her arms around him and held him tight. "Oh, my sweet summer child."

Wanda leaned towards Keesha. "You'd think she'd know his birthday's in January."

"February," Ralphie corrected.

"Whatever. Both winter."

* * *

The others, except Arnold, left the Ternelli house just before Suzette came home with four buckets of fried chicken (and some fried fish for Phoebe), assuming correctly that Arnold would be there for dinner. Ralphie and Phoebe had made mashed potatoes and heated up some green beans as Arnold set the table, and when all was ready, the four Ternellis and Arnold sat down to dinner.

"Boy, don't you have a home and a family?" Mark Terese asked Arnold.

"Yes, sir, but-"

"Then why are you always here?"

Suzette put her hand on Mark's. "Oh, honey, you obviously haven't met the oh-so-pleasant Jean Perlstein. No offense, Arnold."

"None taken."

"Wait," Phoebe said. "What's so bad about her? Should I worry?"

"Think Janet but in her forties and always drinking wine," Ralphie said.

Arnold sighed. "I'd argue that, but you're right."

"I know I'm going to regret suggesting this," Suzette said, "but maybe we should all have dinner together, Perlsteins and Terese-Tennellis."

Phoebe's eyes widened. "Do you think that's a good idea? I mean, the Perlsteins are high class, and we're...Al, Peg, Kelly, and Bud Bundy."

Ralphie raised his hand. "I get to be Kelly."

Arnold took Phoebe's hand and gave it a little squeeze. "It _might_ be better. Less heat taken off of you."

"What do you think, Mark?" Suzette asked.

He heaved a sigh. "Well, I don't suppose my little girl is going to be dumping the boy any time soon, huh?"

"No, Daddy," Phoebe said. "I don't plan to dump 'the boy' soon."

Mark nodded. "Fine, I suppose we can try to arrange a dinner. It wouldn't hurt to meet the boy's parents."

Arnold smiled. "Excellent! I'll talk to my parents tonight, and we can all meet at the country club next Saturday evening?"

"Oh, _hell_ no," Suzette said. "I refuse to have dinner in that godforsaken hellhole. I don't need those Ladies of Walkerville hounding me about joining, just because I'm a 'novelty.'"

Ralphie laughed and said to Arnold, "It's 'cause she's a _doctor_ who is _female_ and from _New Jersey_."

"I'm sure they won't bother you at dinner," Phoebe said. She glanced at Arnold. "Right?"

Arnold wasn't so sure, but he couldn't say that. "Right, yeah."

Suzette sighed. "I suppose this family will have to go formal wear shopping this week, then."

Ralphie scoffed. "Why? My suit's just fine."

"It's too small and has a massive gravy stain on it, you big ape!" Suzette said. "You're getting a new suit!"

Suddenly, all four broke out in to screams and shouts, so Arnold did what he usually did when that happened, and he set his fork down and moved his chair back. He was at the point that he was used to the Ternelli screaming outbreaks, so he expected that as soon as it started, it was over. He moved his chair back in place as the other four went back to eating, as if they hadn't just been screaming at each other. Though, Arnold knew it was a good thing they didn't bottle in their anger; the Ternellis never stayed mad at one another for long, thanks to their fiery tempers. On the flip side, their tempers had gotten them kicked out of restaurants and stores before. The more he thought of that, the more he thought maybe a Perlstein/Terese-Tennelli dinner wasn't such a good idea.

_I've made a huge mistake_.

* * *

**note:** Phoebe's "friend fiction" is from _Bob's Burgers_, as writing friend fiction is something Tina does.

Wanda's mispronouncing "promise" is somewhat taken from _That 70's Show_.

The stuff with Tim's moustache rubbing off from friction and the tape of him and the intervention and Wanda talking about hating her brother is from _Parks and Recreation_.

Phoebe using "mummer's farce" and "I swear by the old gods and the new" and "my sweet summer child" is all from _A Song of Ice and Fire_.

_I've made a huge mistake_. - From _Arrested Development_. It's an ongoing gag in the series that someone will say "I've made a huge mistake."

Comments and such are always welcome. Stay tuned for seven!


	7. save our poopy

**note:** Sorry for the delay. The next couple of chapters have been giving me trouble, and the editing for this one wasn't much better. Excuses aside, here's seven.

Don't own MSB.

Enjoy!

* * *

**00's comedown machine  
**by, the ultimateSora

**chapter seven  
save our poopy**

Monday morning was spent on the grassy area by the parking lot, as usual, but the gang was one short without Tim. It was unclear how long he'd be under Janet's demon spell, but the gang hoped it wouldn't be long. Wanda and Ralphie were frantically trying to finish some homework while D.A. glanced over her notes for a quiz she had that day in her Special Topics in Social Studies - Street Law class. That semester was focused on criminal law, and she'd take the civil law half in the spring. So far, she loved the class. Carlos and Keesha were reading ahead in _Of Mice and Men_ for English as Arnold sat against one of the saplings and read _A Game of Thrones_. Phoebe sat with her back against Arnold's chest while looking over her French notes to refresh herself, as the weekend seemed to drain her of her knowledge of the language.

Carlos lowered his book. "Damn, we've become quiet and boring without Timmy around."

Phoebe looked up from her notes. "It _is_ noticeably quiet."

Keesha put her book down. "It's because he doesn't have his Jetta parked right there with the windows down, blasting Led Zeppelin for all to hear."

Ralphie didn't look up from his unfinished homework. "We need Tim back, man."

"Okay, then _you_ go look in to the eye of Satan's butthole," Carlos said. The look on Arnold's face had him add, "I mean, Janet."

Arnold put his bookmark in and put the book in his backpack. "This is ridiculous. _I'll_ talk some sense in to Janet."

"I was right in making you a Stark," Phoebe said, keeping her eyes on her notes. "You have too much honor."

"I admit, Ned Stark does some things I'd do-" Arnold began, but Phoebe cut him off.

"Ned Stark does _all_ things like you'd do."

"To be fair, you'd do the same stuff as Catelyn," Arnold said.

She looked up at him and winked. "This is why I made myself a Tully."

He wrapped his arms around him and held her tight. "That you did, moon of my life." She smiled at him, and he said, "I know we're Ned and Cat, but the nickname was _perfect_ for you."

She kissed his cheek. "If you say so, sun of my life."

The others all yelled out a "_No!_" and threw their pencils and pens at them. "Stop being disgustingly coupley!" Keesha said.

Everyone's attention shifted towards the parking lot where some of the cheerleaders and their boyfriends were standing around one of the girls' car. Janet and Tim were among them, and it was Janet and Tim's yelling that got the gang's attention. Phoebe moved out of Arnold's hold so he could get up. Carlos and Ralphie went with him, the girls deciding to let them handle it for once, as the girls handled the last time Janet and Tim had a huge fight in sophomore year.

The guys got there just in time to hear Janet yell, "You're a joke! You're not even a man anymore! Oh, and by the way, last night I faked four out of the seven."

Tim's expression remained hard and cold. "So did I."

Ralphie and Carlos took Tim by the arms and pulled him away as Arnold went to his cousin. "Are you done fucking around with my friends?"

She smirked. "Oh, Timmy will be back for more. As for those other idiots, well, they're fun to play with..._especially_ that flat-chested peasant you're slumming with."

Arnold grinned. "Insult her one more time and I'll go tell her you hit me again. You could use a matching bruise on the other side."

The look of shock and slight horror on her face satisfied him, and he turned around, walking back to his friends. She wouldn't admit it, but Arnold knew a part of Janet was now actually a little afraid of Phoebe.

* * *

Phoebe was doing her homework on the bleachers of the football field behind the school. It was also home to the track and doubled as the soccer field. Arnold and Ralphie were using the track for some after school running (as were some other students), and Phoebe decided she'd wait for them, as opposed to being home alone for a few hours. It was a gorgeous afternoon, so she didn't mind sitting out there. The varsity girls soccer team was holding its tryouts on the field for the upcoming winter and spring seasons, but she wasn't paying much attention to them.

"_Heads up!_"

Phoebe's instinct was to look up, and as she did, she saw a soccer ball come her way. Her next instinct was to hold her left hand up, and her long fingers easily grabbed it. She looked at the ball for a moment before realizing the coaches and girls trying out were all look at her with stunned expressions. Phoebe set her books down and stepped down the bleachers to return the ball. The head coach walked over to her and took the ball.

"That was some catch, girl," she said. "You ever play before?"

Phoebe nodded. "When I was a kid. Made a goal once but I think it was pure luck." Looking back on that game against her "old school," Wamapoke Elementary ("Home of the Mighty Bulldogs!"), she felt her game winning goal was absolute luck. She never did have that luck again.

"Have you ever played goalkeeper?"

Phoebe shook her head. "No, ma'am."

"How tall are you?"

Phoebe shrugged. "Five-ten, I think?"

"Perfect, perfect." The coach turned to the girl by the goal. "Simmons! Step aside!" She looked at Phoebe. "I want to see if you can repeat what you just did..."

"Phoebe."

"Last name?"

"Terese."

The coach gently pushed her to the goal. "Ladies! Terese is going to play goalkeeper! Line up for goal shots!"

Phoebe wasn't dressed for soccer, with her jeans, hi-top boots, and flannel shirt over a tank top, but she'd try to give it her best. She took off her flannel shirt, putting it down at the base of the goal. Her heart was racing. She had no idea how to play goalie. Well, obviously, she knew she had to keep the balls out, but she knew she couldn't repeat the catch she made on the bleachers.

She took a deep breath and stood in the middle of the goal. "Ready," she said.

The first girl kicked, and Phoebe let her mind go quiet and her body take over. She easily blocked the shot, her long arms helping. The second girl kicked, and Phoebe jumped, her hands making the easy catch. Thirteen more girls, thirteen more catches and blocks. Finally, her long arms, long legs, and massive hands did her some good. The coach wanted her to make some kicks and throws, which Phoebe thought she could do. She pretended the ball was the remote she was kicking away from Ralphie's hands, and it went sailing over the girls and past midfield. For once, she was happy to have large feet.

"Ladies!" The coach was smiling as she walked to Phoebe. "Meet your new varsity goalkeeper!"

* * *

"No goddamn way," Ralphie said.

"Way," Phoebe said.

"No _goddamn_ way."

"_Way_."

They walked in the house from the driveway, Ralphie still stunned from having seen her at the soccer tryouts and the fact she had randomly made a varsity team.

"Well, you _have_ to let me be your training coach," Ralphie said. "You need to build up some endurance and strength in between practices and shit."

They found their parents sitting in the living room, both of which turned when they heard the kids come in. "Dinner will be ready soon," Suzette said.

"Guess what happened this afternoon," Ralphie said.

"I made-"

Ralphie cut her off. "Pheebs made the varsity soccer team! She's the new goalie!"

Mark and Suzette's jaws dropped, and after both said their congratulations, Suzette stood up and pulled Phoebe in a tight hug. "We _have_ to go get you the best equipment! Oh, my God! My daughter is on a varsity team!" She kept one arm around Phoebe's shoulders as she looked off in the distance. "Just think about it...when you're playing on the U.S. women's team in the Olympics and Women's World Cup, I'll be able to tell everyone, 'That's _my_ girl!'"

Ralphie threw his arms up. "You weren't this excited when I made varsity football and hockey as, you know, a _freshman_. You don't fantasize about me in the Super Bowl or Winter Olympics?"

Suzette closed her eyes. "Shh, I'm picturing Phoebe helping the U.S. women's team win the gold medal in Beijing and again in 2012."

"Aw, _come on!_" Ralphie snapped. "You actually gave birth to _me!_"

Suzette kept a tight hold on Phoebe as she snapped back at Ralphie, "I'm trying to have a moment with the only daughter I'll ever have!"

Phoebe coughed. "_Suzette_...I can't..._breathe_."

"Stay out of this, Phoebe!" Ralphie said. "No! Never mind! I'm going to my room!"

He stormed out of the room, and Suzette continued to hold Phoebe. "Tomorrow, after school, we'll go shopping for shoes, athletic wear, and whatever else you need."

"Still..._can't breathe._"

Suzette let go. "Oh, sorry, honey."

* * *

Dorothy Ann didn't care if she hadn't won the elections yet; she was still class president from sophomore year after all. She was going around to make note of the water fountains around the school early the next morning in hopes of making a change to them. For some reason, people in Walkerville tended to drink from the water fountains by putting their entire mouths on them. She wanted to fix that problem, and she decided to start with her peers. The fountains and Poopy were two things she was definitely addressing in her debate speech, especially Poopy. It was time something was done about him (and Fairway Frank, the possum who lived on the country club golf course, but that was a city matter, not the school).

When she finished jotting down the fountain locations, D.A. put her "presidential notebook" in her locker and took out her backpack, which was packed for her first three classes. She opted to kill time in the library until the ten minute bell, but she stopped when she spotted Phoebe at her locker. "You're here early," she said.

Phoebe nodded as she dug around her mess. It was barely the second week of school and her locker was already a mess. D.A. wasn't surprised. "Yeah, I was hoping to help trap Poopy, but the administrators said no student volunteers and that animal control is on it." She sighed. "They're going to kill him, aren't they?"

D.A. put an arm around her shoulders. "They might let him go free in Eagleton, where he can poop in _their_ high school's cafeteria."

"I have to trap him myself, D.A. It's the only way I can make sure Poopy isn't killed."

D.A. loved Phoebe to bits, but this was one of those times she wanted to shake her and give her a firm "NO!" Instead, she said, "Phoebe, maybe you should leave it to the professionals."

"Professionals? I've met those guys from animal control before. They're a bunch of inefficient burnouts." She shook her head. "No, I must trap Poopy myself. You can help me if you want, but I'm gonna do it anyway."

"You're not going to start a committee, are you? S.O.P.? 'Save Our Poopy'?"

Phoebe's face lit up. "Yes! My Golden Rose of Tyrell is a genius!"

D.A. instantly regretted that she said that. "Phoebe, _no_."

"Phoebe, _yes_." She took a blue windbreaker out of her locker and put it on before putting on her backpack. "I'll have to make some plans during study hall."

D.A. noticed her jacket and was glad for the opportunity to change the subject. "Varsity soccer?"

"Oh! Right, yeah. I made the team." Phoebe told her what happened the afternoon before. "And now I'm the new goalie."

D.A. smiled and took her hand. "Congratulations! Welcome to the jock club."

Phoebe winked. "Ralphie would say tennis and rowing aren't 'jock sports.'" She sighed. "He's still upset, though, because Suzette was more excited for me than she was for him making varsity sports."

"Huh, when I made varsity tennis, my mother only nodded and said 'That's nice.' Then again, there's only two of you Ternellis, and I'm fourth of five girls."

* * *

Tim drew up signs for Phoebe, and she had them copied and taped up in the school the next morning. D.A. and Keesha stood with her in the courtyard during Wednesday's lunch hour so she wouldn't be alone when no one showed up to help her. The guys and Wanda would have joined if Tim wasn't hiding in the art studio from Janet, Carlos didn't have a quiz to make up, Arnold and Ralphie weren't using their lunch and study hall hour to train in the weight room, and Wanda wanted to help out

"No one's coming," Keesha said. "Everyone here hates Poopy. You're the only one who doesn't want his head mounted on the cafeteria wall."

Phoebe gasped. "Keesha, that's _awful!_" She sighed and stood up from the bench they were sitting on. "Time to come up with another plan."

"What are you going to do?" D.A. asked, hesitant to know.

Phoebe put her fist on her chest and held her head high. "Cry 'Havoc!' and let slip the hogs of war."

"'Dogs' of war," Keesha corrected.

Phoebe turned towards her. "Whatever farm animal of war, _Keesha!_ This is important!" She took a deep breath. "I'm going to get a humane trap and come back tonight to trap Poopy."

At the same time, D.A. and Keesha said, "Phoebe, _no_."

She smiled. "Phoebe, _yes._"

* * *

Everyone was assembled in the school courtyard that night, all of them in all black. Phoebe had a humane trap and some cat food to lure Poopy, which Ralphie was helping her carry. Keesha noticed Carlos was the only one in long sleeves.

"Oh, my God, is that a turtleneck?"

Carlos looked at his shirt. "It's a _tactle-neck_. This is the perfect shirt for a stealth mission, and this was the perfect time to wear it, finally."

"_Shh!_" Phoebe said. "You're going to scare off Poopy."

"Not likely," Ralphie said. "This whole town's overrun with raccoons. Hell, for all we know, Poopy isn't just one raccoon."

He and Phoebe set the trap cage down near the doors to the cafeteria. "Still," Phoebe said, "better we set a trap than Poopy getting caught and beheaded." She pulled the top off of the small can of cat food and put it in the cage. "And now we wait."

"No, no, _no_," Ralphie said. "We are _not_ waiting here all night for this little bastard."

"But if he's trapped and-"

Ralphie cut her off. "Come back at the ass crack of dawn, then."

Phoebe sighed. "_Fine_, but I'm using the Jeep to transport him to a safer location."

"Deal."

Arnold smiled. "She's so cute when she gets all activist."

Keesha cocked a brow. "So the sex is that good, huh?"

Ralphie shot her a look, but before he said anything (or Arnold and Phoebe could deny they were having sex), they heard voices coming near them. The eight froze in place, and they saw six figures coming closer to the courtyard. They sounded like students, but as they came closer, the eight knew who they were right away. Their Eagleton counterparts, too, were all dressed in black, and they were carrying a small cage.

"He said their cafeteria got shat in by a raccoon," Kelly Freeman said. "Let's see how they feel when more raccoons trash the place."

Keesha sniffed the air. "You guys smell that?" she said, making herself loud. "I smell Eagleton shit."

"No, I think it's just the air here in Six Flags Over the Shittier Parts of Chernobyl," Wendy Lu said.

"Let that poor animal out of that cage!" Phoebe said.

"We plan to," Tom Royce said. "In your shitty school. Ha! 'Cause it's covered in raccoon shit!"

They opened the cage, but the raccoon went right for Phoebe's cage, getting trapped. Carla Rodriguez pouted. "Damn, these Walkerville raccoons are just as stupid as the people."

"_That's it!_" Wanda snapped.

Before she could jump her, Carlos and Tim grabbed her, holding her back. Phoebe picked up the cage with the raccoon in it. "C'mon, guys, let's go free this poor little thing."

"Go back to your hell on earth," Ralphie said to the Eagleton kids.

"Happily," Ronnie Perlman said. "Enjoy your Walkerville caviar."

They laughed, and Carlos shook his head as they walked to where their cars were parked. "What was that supposed to mean?"

"Who cares?" Ralphie asked. "Let's just free this raccoon."

Carlos laughed. "Eagleton, here we come."

Phoebe put the cage in the backseat of the Jeep , and she climbed in, sitting next to it. Ralphie and Keesha had driven everyone, so Keesha followed behind Ralphie as he drove to Lafayette Park. He helped Phoebe carry the cage to the grassy area near the town border, careful not to set it down anywhere fluorescent light tubes were smashed. They crossed the town line on the clean grass, and they set the raccoon free.

Ralphie saluted the raccoon. "Go forth and poop on Eagleton, little guy."

Keesha nodded and said, "Who knew, for once, one of Phoebe activist ideas would actually work?"

"They were bound to some day," Ralphie said.

They started walking back to where the cars were parked, and Phoebe pouted. "You guys make it sound like my ideas are bad."

Arnold wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her close to kiss her cheek. "Don't listen to them. Your ideas are great."

Keesha cocked a brow at him. "Really? _That_ good, huh?"

At the same time, Arnold and Phoebe shouted, "_We're not having sex!_" as Ralphie snapped, "_Stop it!_"

* * *

**note:** _"Okay, then you go look in to the eye of Satan's butthole," Carlos said._ - From _Parks and Recreation_.

_"You're a joke! You're not even a man anymore! Oh, and by the way, last night I faked four out of the seven."  
Tim's expression remained hard and cold. "So did I."_ - Also _Parks and Recreation_.

The water fountain thing, Fairway Frank, and the animal control guys being burnouts are all from _Parks and Recreation_, as well.

_"What are you going to do?"..."Whatever farm animal of war, Keesha!..."_ - From _Archer_.

_Carlos looked at his shirt. "It's a tactle-neck..."_ - More _Archer_. From the _Archer_ wiki: "A black turtleneck is Archer's preferred clothing item when on covert spy missions. He often takes credit for being the first to recognize its use as a tactical garment."

"Six Flags Over the Shittier Parts of Chernobyl" is also from _Archer_.

Reviews always welcome. Stay tuned for eight!


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